Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

“Happy” New Year

“The snow makes teardrops on my window
The wind blows memories through my hall
And I am all alone on New Year’s Eve
The time I need you most of all

The gay ones don their silly paper hats
And blow their stupid little horns
At midnight they will all be singing, “Auld Lang Syne”
But the sad ones sit alone before the fire and sip a glass of lonely wine

I wish you a Happy New Year darling
May your new love be bright and fair
I hope, he’ll do those special things for you
That I would do if I were there

I love the days we spent together
Before the old year lost its shine
I’ll keep that memory locked within my heart
That Happy New Year, you were mine.”

Nat King Cole

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December 31, 2011 Posted by | Holidays, Songs | Leave a comment

On Sleepless Nights

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” 

Darling, what do you think about on sleepless nights like this?

When you lay in your bed, comfortable but awake, do you listen to music? Do you pray? Do you get up and write me a letter?

The thoughts swirl around in my head tonight. Pensive thoughts and wistful hopes of you, churning and spinning and denying me the rest I need.

After two hours of it, I decided to get up and write to you about it.

I don’t care what they say, it is possible to think too much, and I’ve made it into an art. But think I do, and wonder. I find myself wondering about the girls I’ve met, and if they live up to the image of you or if I should never allow myself to settle. Or maybe I’ve built you up into an illusion too great and lofty for any flesh-and-blood to live up to. How will I know?

It’s a difficult thing, feeling your grasp of a dream slipping away. Difficult, yet at times a relief as well. Dreams should set us free, and in the world which I live in, my dream of you seems only to confine. I don’t know if this dream has been my guiding light or my chain, holding me back until I find what I seek, or holding me down to keep it from me. Is its light a heavenly guide for my path, or a treacherous distraction from the rude and harsh imperfection of the real world?

I’ve grown despondently aware of how few men share my devotion or commitment to truth, chivalry, morality, character, the will of God. The gracious smile, a mere kind greeting, a listening ear…these are the things I am learning more how to bestow. I’m becoming practiced at lifting a bleeding heart, and I have seen the magic wrought by a kind word. It’s so needed; so needed! Yet, I’ve also found this makes me attractive to many lovely young ladies…so aware that at times I find myself being cautious because I don’t want to feed hopes I can’t satisfy!

How tragic a thought: kindness curtailed, for kindness’ sake.

But so many of these hearts seem eager and longing. I’m sure yours is as well. But Darling, I want to earn your love. I don’t want it to come easy; I want to fight for it. I want a challenge. I want a pursuit. How else would I value your heart unless it was won?

I want to find that spark that clicks between your heart and mine and chase it, across the galaxy if I have to. I don’t just want to find someone suitable…I want someone I can’t live without. You. The only one who can plug my heart and keep it from bleeding itself back into stone.

I want you to be fun and spirited and spontaneous and joyfully-forgiven and free. I want you to be able to stand up to me, but not be above being stood up to.

Do you think there will be sleepless nights like tonight once we find each other? Well of course there will, but you know what I mean. Having slept in a bed by myself, will it be a little strange to go to sleep beside someone? The most welcome strange that any man ever sought but still different. Will I ever be restless again, knowing that the love of my life, my soul’s other half, is right next to me? Or will the excitement flood both our souls and chase away sleep?

Maybe there will be, and I can wake you up and we’ll talk until sleep returns. Maybe I’ll be the one you awaken. I can’t imagine the bliss of those tender whispers, or the quiet moments of a morning, just as the sun rises, when I return from sleep and find waking even better. Don’t you think that will be the most wonderful feeling in the world, those drowsy first hours of the day when we can settle back into each other’s arms and go back to sleep, or to face the morning side by side?

Until then, all I can do is salute your future memory, offer my thoughts to the page,  and look forward to the day when they become yours.

All I can do is return to my bed, and hope slumber is sweeter than waking.

December 30, 2011 Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These | Leave a comment

#10: A Different Kind of Perfect

“I know I need to be in love
I know I’ve wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that’s what I’ll find.” – Carpenters

I’ve always had this dream that I might be the first person you cared for, or to whom you offered your heart.

And because I have had prudent reasons for never pursing a woman’s affections before now, I hoped you would feel the same.

I think it’s because there is power in that first love, a newness and fervor. You don’t forget it, and you seldom repeat it. Those first steps of love are so precious, so treasured. I wanted them always to be ours. I held fairy tale fantasies that ours would be the first and last, great and perhaps among the greatest stories never told. A chance meeting that means everything and nothing at once; a conjunction of two stars whose dim glows are kindled by each other’s presence, and whose bright but weary orbits are forever altered.

I now know that dream is unlikely. Life has taught me that lesson sternly many times now, sadly but deftly strangling that dream to death for my own sake. Did I seek perfection? They say I did. They say I still do. Is that wrong? Is it perfection to hope for what I offer to be returned?

I know I can’t blame you for it, so I’m trying not to.

But I’ll admit it. I’m a little jealous.

I’m jealous that you woke up first, and got to taste this adventure before me. I’m jealous that you embarked on the path of learning, and know more about yourself if not someone else. I’m jealous that you ever put your arms around another man, kissed his lips or went to sleep with him on your mind. I’m jealous that he could have walked among your dreams and wishes, or was allowed to read the mysteries of your eyes. I’m jealous that he hurt you, or that he ever could have.

No one in the stories or songs ever talks about things like this. No one tells you that if you don’t shake yourself awake, life passes you by. They all assume no one would preserve this slumber for the sake of prudence.

I despair at the men of the world today. There are so few knights left, let alone knights who polish their armor. They are not men at all, they’re boys. They are foolish, stupid men, little more than slobbering puppies in heat. How lightly they carry the most precious thing in the world — a woman’s heart! How flippantly they trample the emotions so freely and imploringly given.

A few of them are worth a woman’s time. And if you are half the lady I look for you to be, then surely some who know a good thing when they see it will have already pursued your affections. And by the time we meet, one or two of them will probably have hurt your heart.

I never believed in trying to horn in on another relationship or “steal” someone away. I’m too much of a gentleman and have too high a regard for a woman’s choice.

But for the broken and wounded soul, I will promise you this: I’ll make you forget him.

I’ll make you forget any man that ever stole, or wounded or broke your heart.

My goal is to love you so purely and selflessly and completely that you won’t be able to help it. There’s going to be a cleansing fire of passion with every kiss that purges your mind of every memory but ours. Our love will be so wonderful and sweet, the utter and ultimate beginning.  We’ll love unconditionally. They’ll be the jealous ones in the end. They’re all going to envy what you and I have, every single one of them. They’ll look at us and wish they had a love as great as ours, a tenth of our devotion; they’ll wonder how they ever passed by a woman like you.

We’re going to live a different kind of perfect.

Promise.

December 26, 2011 Posted by | Promises | , | 5 Comments

Lonely Kiss

I have a foolish and (for me) very old tradition at Christmas time.

Every year underneath the mistletoe ball, I meet the memories of you we haven’t yet made for one kiss.

Is this the last year I’ll be there alone?

December 26, 2011 Posted by | Holidays | 2 Comments

Merry Christmas, Darling

“Greeting cards have all been sent 
The Christmas rush is through 
But I still have one wish to make 
A special one for you 

Merry Christmas, darling 
We’re apart that’s true 
But I can dream and in my dreams 
I’m Christmasing with you 

Holidays are joyful 
There’s always something new 
But every day’s a holiday 
When I’m near to you 
The lights on my tree 
I wish you could see 
I wish it every day 
Logs on the fire 
Fill me with desire 
To see you and to say 

That I wish you Merry Christmas 
Happy New Year, too 
I’ve just one wish 
On this Christmas Eve 
I wish I were with you 

The logs on the fire 
Fill me with desire 
To see you and to say 
That I wish you Merry Christmas 
Happy New Year, too 
I’ve just one wish 
On this Christmas Eve 
I wish I were with you 
I wish I were with you.”

Merry Christmas darling. Hope we find each other soon.

-Beren

December 25, 2011 Posted by | Holidays, Songs | Leave a comment

Lonely Comfort


Does it comfort you to know I miss you this much?

December 21, 2011 Posted by | Loneliness | 1 Comment

Nights Like This

“The longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It’s better my darling, I promise you this
The next time I hold you, I’m not letting go
Will you wait for me darling, I need to know”

Darling, surely you’ve had nights like this? Nights when the dark shrinks in around you, and the touch of cold air meets its match in the frigid winter of your soul? When the only voices left warding off the isolation are the very ones whispering that you’re alone, and the quiet desperation of loneliness seeps into every pore of your heart?

On nights like this, those icy hands of winter are almost a friend to me. They come to freeze my heart and, finding it frozen, mingle with it instead, mirroring my feelings, commiserating and sharing them. They carry them out into the dark with them and bring them back again…stale air or fresh, what does it matter if is cold? The wind’s mournful and bone-chilling cry finds no greater match than in the lonely corners of the soul.

On nights like this, when I should be counting my blessings, I count the minutes that tick by in silence, pacing to the beat of half a heart.

For your sake, I hope you haven’t ever had a night like this. But a selfish corner of me also hopes you have. Should my heart alone be consumed with the deep, aching void? Should I be the only one of us to endure these cold nights of loneliness and separation? Should we not both know the bitterness of each other’s absence, the better never to forget the value of our love?

The world is all alight this time of year. Joy is to be kindled in all our hearts. Yet how can I be joyous when I have to carry on with half a soul? God is the source of joy; this we know. But he makes us so that we bring joy to each other, and to be absent that joy when we are absent each other. One could almost say he created us to feel this pain.

For your sake, I would carry both our loads, to ease your mind and let you live your days without me in peace. The days without you are toilsome and weary, and I would not wish that burden on anyone.

Darling, one day we’ll go strolling together on a night like this. It’s going to be magical. You’ll be bundled up in your beautiful coat, and your hair flowing from underneath a knit hat and scarf. (Have I ever told you I have a weakness for a woman all bundled up and beautiful?)

You’ll be wearing my ring, and its sparkle will rival any snowflake. It will be that pale blue of winter twilight, and the snow will muffle our footsteps. The blue gives way to the dark, and we’ll walk to see the lights, or the snow in the street lights. We’ll catch snowflakes on our tongues and they’ll catch on your eyelashes. Didn’t you ever want to kiss in the snow?

We’ll make snow angels and throw snowballs and laugh like children. We’ll steal out after midnight with a sled, and you’ll sit in my lap and we’ll slide down a hill.

We’ll walk close together. I’ll have my arm around you, pulling you close to my side where you belong. I’ll give you the warmth of my body, and you’ll give me the warmth of your heart.

We’ll go inside, just the two of us, hang up our coats and sit in the light of the fire and the Christmas tree. We can stay there all night, staring into the flames, and each other’s eyes.

One day, some day soon.

On a night just like this.

December 21, 2011 Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These | 1 Comment

#9: I Promise…To Be A Father

For years I’ve heard it wished for, from the mouths of many women young and old, and seen the wish hidden in the eyes of still more.

Motherhood.

It astounds me to find that woman craves the fulfillment that comes from childbirth, or that she can love a man so deeply that she desires to give him children. Oh heart of woman, so gentle to nurture the tiniest of new lives, and so stern to endure the agonies of childbirth! To think that you would count it a pleasure worthy of such pains just to give me a son or daughter!

Listen to me when I tell you, I hear your hopes and see the longing of your heart to be a mother.

I promise you: I will be the father of your children…of our children.

Will I see it in your glowing face before either of us know for sure? Will I be able to read your shining eyes even before you sit me down and share your womanly secret…that we are going to be parents?

I will be there for you as your body transitions to grow a new life inside of yours. I will try, and do what I must to muster patience when your pregnancy makes you upset or unhappy. Lean on me for the strength and support.

You will think yourself huge and unattractive to me as your body swells to nurture our child. Wonderfully foolish woman, you will never have looked more beautiful to me.

I know there will be months of aches, pains and turmoil. I wish I could promise you I’ll always know how to make it all better for you. I know there will be difficult days and sleepless nights. I will help you as best I can; wake me up if you can’t sleep, even if only to hold your hand, cradle your head, stroke your hair and whisper you to sleep with visions of our child’s future.

I can see you now, excited to be planning our child’s nursery. The crib here, the curtains there. You’ll be asking me what I think, and I won’t hear a word you’re saying. I’ll be lost in the light of your eyes.

I will do everything I can to hide the looks of worry on my face as the pains of childbirth etch themselves into yours. I will hold your hand, wipe your brow and do anything else I can to ease your pain. I’m sure I’ll be rather desperate for your sake.

I’ll be there to cradle our child. I’ll get up in the night to hum a soft lullaby and (I hope!) ease this precious life back to sleep. I will change diapers — I have changed more than my share already, you know!  (Is it possible I will even teach you how?)

We’ll sit together at night, watching our child sleep. Our child…a part of each of us, made into flesh. Surely this is a corner of the joy of God Himself?

I will teach our sons and daughters right from wrong, I will bring them up in the kingdom of God, and lead them as best I know how. I will stand beside you as each of us pilots this mystery of parenthood.

I will do everything I can to be the father you want me to be.

I promise.

December 18, 2011 Posted by | Promises | 1 Comment

Awesome

I have no idea who you are or where.

You could be ten miles down the road or on the other side of the planet. Maybe we’ve crossed paths before, bumped into each other, driven past each other’s houses or shopped at the same store.

No one ever knows when an unripe destiny walks only an arm’s-length away.

I do know this. You’re going to be awesome. You will be the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me.

The strange thing is, I have a feeling you’ll be convinced that I’m awesome too.

And I’ll let you believe it, not because it’s true or because I like hearing it but because you’ll be too happy in that illusion for me to destroy it.

And how could I ever take away from your happiness?

December 17, 2011 Posted by | Anticipation | Leave a comment

To Be The One

I just want to be the one who pulls you in close and whispers “Everything’s going to be okay.”

December 13, 2011 Posted by | To Be The One | 1 Comment