Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Lonely Comfort

Does it comfort you to know I miss you this much?

December 21, 2011 Posted by | Loneliness | 1 Comment

Nights Like This

“The longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It’s better my darling, I promise you this
The next time I hold you, I’m not letting go
Will you wait for me darling, I need to know”

Darling, surely you’ve had nights like this? Nights when the dark shrinks in around you, and the touch of cold air meets its match in the frigid winter of your soul? When the only voices left warding off the isolation are the very ones whispering that you’re alone, and the quiet desperation of loneliness seeps into every pore of your heart?

On nights like this, those icy hands of winter are almost a friend to me. They come to freeze my heart and, finding it frozen, mingle with it instead, mirroring my feelings, commiserating and sharing them. They carry them out into the dark with them and bring them back again…stale air or fresh, what does it matter if is cold? The wind’s mournful and bone-chilling cry finds no greater match than in the lonely corners of the soul.

On nights like this, when I should be counting my blessings, I count the minutes that tick by in silence, pacing to the beat of half a heart.

For your sake, I hope you haven’t ever had a night like this. But a selfish corner of me also hopes you have. Should my heart alone be consumed with the deep, aching void? Should I be the only one of us to endure these cold nights of loneliness and separation? Should we not both know the bitterness of each other’s absence, the better never to forget the value of our love?

The world is all alight this time of year. Joy is to be kindled in all our hearts. Yet how can I be joyous when I have to carry on with half a soul? God is the source of joy; this we know. But he makes us so that we bring joy to each other, and to be absent that joy when we are absent each other. One could almost say he created us to feel this pain.

For your sake, I would carry both our loads, to ease your mind and let you live your days without me in peace. The days without you are toilsome and weary, and I would not wish that burden on anyone.

Darling, one day we’ll go strolling together on a night like this. It’s going to be magical. You’ll be bundled up in your beautiful coat, and your hair flowing from underneath a knit hat and scarf. (Have I ever told you I have a weakness for a woman all bundled up and beautiful?)

You’ll be wearing my ring, and its sparkle will rival any snowflake. It will be that pale blue of winter twilight, and the snow will muffle our footsteps. The blue gives way to the dark, and we’ll walk to see the lights, or the snow in the street lights. We’ll catch snowflakes on our tongues and they’ll catch on your eyelashes. Didn’t you ever want to kiss in the snow?

We’ll make snow angels and throw snowballs and laugh like children. We’ll steal out after midnight with a sled, and you’ll sit in my lap and we’ll slide down a hill.

We’ll walk close together. I’ll have my arm around you, pulling you close to my side where you belong. I’ll give you the warmth of my body, and you’ll give me the warmth of your heart.

We’ll go inside, just the two of us, hang up our coats and sit in the light of the fire and the Christmas tree. We can stay there all night, staring into the flames, and each other’s eyes.

One day, some day soon.

On a night just like this.

December 21, 2011 Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These | 1 Comment