Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

On Sleepless Nights

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” 

Darling, what do you think about on sleepless nights like this?

When you lay in your bed, comfortable but awake, do you listen to music? Do you pray? Do you get up and write me a letter?

The thoughts swirl around in my head tonight. Pensive thoughts and wistful hopes of you, churning and spinning and denying me the rest I need.

After two hours of it, I decided to get up and write to you about it.

I don’t care what they say, it is possible to think too much, and I’ve made it into an art. But think I do, and wonder. I find myself wondering about the girls I’ve met, and if they live up to the image of you or if I should never allow myself to settle. Or maybe I’ve built you up into an illusion too great and lofty for any flesh-and-blood to live up to. How will I know?

It’s a difficult thing, feeling your grasp of a dream slipping away. Difficult, yet at times a relief as well. Dreams should set us free, and in the world which I live in, my dream of you seems only to confine. I don’t know if this dream has been my guiding light or my chain, holding me back until I find what I seek, or holding me down to keep it from me. Is its light a heavenly guide for my path, or a treacherous distraction from the rude and harsh imperfection of the real world?

I’ve grown despondently aware of how few men share my devotion or commitment to truth, chivalry, morality, character, the will of God. The gracious smile, a mere kind greeting, a listening ear…these are the things I am learning more how to bestow. I’m becoming practiced at lifting a bleeding heart, and I have seen the magic wrought by a kind word. It’s so needed; so needed! Yet, I’ve also found this makes me attractive to many lovely young ladies…so aware that at times I find myself being cautious because I don’t want to feed hopes I can’t satisfy!

How tragic a thought: kindness curtailed, for kindness’ sake.

But so many of these hearts seem eager and longing. I’m sure yours is as well. But Darling, I want to earn your love. I don’t want it to come easy; I want to fight for it. I want a challenge. I want a pursuit. How else would I value your heart unless it was won?

I want to find that spark that clicks between your heart and mine and chase it, across the galaxy if I have to. I don’t just want to find someone suitable…I want someone I can’t live without. You. The only one who can plug my heart and keep it from bleeding itself back into stone.

I want you to be fun and spirited and spontaneous and joyfully-forgiven and free. I want you to be able to stand up to me, but not be above being stood up to.

Do you think there will be sleepless nights like tonight once we find each other? Well of course there will, but you know what I mean. Having slept in a bed by myself, will it be a little strange to go to sleep beside someone? The most welcome strange that any man ever sought but still different. Will I ever be restless again, knowing that the love of my life, my soul’s other half, is right next to me? Or will the excitement flood both our souls and chase away sleep?

Maybe there will be, and I can wake you up and we’ll talk until sleep returns. Maybe I’ll be the one you awaken. I can’t imagine the bliss of those tender whispers, or the quiet moments of a morning, just as the sun rises, when I return from sleep and find waking even better. Don’t you think that will be the most wonderful feeling in the world, those drowsy first hours of the day when we can settle back into each other’s arms and go back to sleep, or to face the morning side by side?

Until then, all I can do is salute your future memory, offer my thoughts to the page,  and look forward to the day when they become yours.

All I can do is return to my bed, and hope slumber is sweeter than waking.

December 30, 2011 - Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: