Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

To She Who Did Not Wait Pt. 2

Well for starters, I didn’t even think there’d be a part 2. But I didn’t used to think there’d be a part 1.

I think God is putting me here for a reason. I’m trying to understand, really I’m trying. Work with me here. Until this past year, I haven’t been on the scene of any relationships at all. Then an angel came down, peered at the wiring, shouted “Well HERE’S your problem!” and plugged in a loose connection. Ever since then, I’ve had opportunities and options that eluded me for years. I can already see some of the pull and attraction of romance. But then again, my guard is up so high that it’s hard to let it down and just be me and enjoy those comforts of knowing and being known.

I think God’s working on my ability to forgive. I’m not saying I’m there, I’m just saying it’s not as hard as it used to be.

I know you didn’t break my heart on purpose. I know you were just trying to create love, even if it didn’t exist. I’m trying to understand that. I’m trying to tell myself you didn’t have the same teaching and guidance that I did.

But you have no idea what that does to a guy. Search the internet if you doubt me. There’s guys and girls galore who are scraping the inside of their hearts and souls, desperately clawing for some wisdom, truth or grace to remove the knot inside their gut.

Any time I’ve ever brought it up, it’s only been to try to talk my way through to a peace about the matter. Talking about a subject can disarm it. I wanted reassurance that I could somehow be different, and not just because I was the last in a line. I wanted to know you regretted what you’d done. I wanted to hear you say it’s all in the past, it means nothing to you, it was never real and that somehow even through all that, you were waiting…that you want so badly to get it right and you’re waiting now. I wanted to hear that you wish you could have waited, that you’re so glad I did, and that you value that in me more than anything, even if we didn’t wind up together.

You know what I really wanted? I wanted to read something like this:

Dear Beren,

Recently I’ve seen how you’re struggling with the fact that I am not a virgin and you are. I see that this hurts you, and although it hurts me too, I hate that I’m the subject of your struggle. I wish I could say the magic words to untie the knot in your gut and give you peace. Better still, I wish I could go back and undo the deeds of the past that haunt your mind today.

Since I can’t, let me at least say a few things that I hope will ease your mind and comfort you.

First, the person that I was is not who I am today. I am changed. I may not be able to erase my deeds, but God can erase my sins just as He erases yours. I did not have the advantage of wisdom and guidance as you growing up. If I had, I think things would be different.

Second, I am so very glad you made the decision to wait for me. I am honored beyond words that you tamed your desires in deference to giving them whole and complete to me. It is this restraint that draws me to you. You had strength where I had weakness, and I admire and respect that strength. You are leading us both along this path now, and I am grateful and content to rest in that strength and make it my own.

Third, my past mean NOTHING to me now. I write it off as a loss; I choose not to remember them, and I promise you I will never compare you to them. If it’s of any help, there’s not a man alive I would choose to give this gift to now except you…and even then, not until I am wearing your ring.

If we have our own special journey ahead of us, and I promise you with all my heart that if we step through the door and into forever together, I will do everything I can to make it worthwhile.

Please accept both my apologies for the past and my promise for the future, and let them comfort you in the hours when your mind returns to my past.

I’m sure it was too much to ask, and I’m sorry I brought it up. At least you were honest.

I’m starting to understand. I’m trying.

I don’t know what the solution is, but I know it starts with Jesus; opening everything in your soul to Him and letting Him purify it. No one can change for somebody else. This would mean letting go of other habits too. It may seem daunting, but I know without a doubt it would all be worth it.

January 3, 2012 - Posted by | Other Letters

2 Comments »

  1. […] prompted me to wonder if there was anything more. She, too, invoked pain and bewilderment by having not waited. She was also several years my senior. (I don’t know why dear, but I’ve always disliked […]

    Pingback by Heartbreaker « Letters to Luthien | April 1, 2012 | Reply

  2. […] To She Who Did Not Wait, Pt. 2  Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]

    Pingback by To She Who Did Not Wait Pt. 3 « Letters to Luthien | June 21, 2012 | Reply


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