Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

I Miss You

“And sometimes, at nighttime, I dream that you are there;
But wake holding nothing but the empty air;
And years come, and years go; time runs dry.
Still I ache down to the core; 
My broken soul can’t be alive and whole
Till I hear you sing once more.”

Dear Darling,

I miss you.

I miss you tonight. I missed you today, and this morning, and yesterday. I missed you the day before, and last week, and all of last year.

I missed you last winter, when life was so difficult and every pillar of my life’s ambitions was crumbling. I missed you as winter turned to spring, and with it came a different dream to pursue. I missed you as I spent hours upon hours in classrooms and labs studying and taking exams, and as fall crept in and my studying intensified.

I miss you now, as I battle stress and worry and loneliness.

I’ve always missed you.

I miss knowing who I’m writing to. It is nice, after all, to know who you’re writing to, and to receive responses. It’s nice, simply to converse at the end of the day, ask how the day went, to relate those specific events, stories and times of the day when you paused to freeze a moment, tuck it away in your mind to discuss when next you talk.

When the workday is over, and I can finally shrug off the day’s pressures, I miss having someone I can call to talk to…someone who cares, and someone to care about. Maybe you’ve already been there and know what it’s like, that need to talk after the day is done. The last job, there were times I picked up my phone to call someone before realizing I had no one to call. I once had someone do this…but she’s gone, just like everyone else.

I’ve always had you in the back of my mind…always thinking of you, making notes about you: “I’ll have to tell Her this,” “She’ll laugh at this,” and so forth.

I miss having someone who can go with me to events, concerts or movies, to accompany me and plan outings or all those lovely dates I’m planning; someone to spoil and pamper and take to dinner. Someone to make me better, yet challenge me and keep me on edge and wondering. Someone to teach and be taught by. Someone to complete me.

I miss smelling your perfume — and the days to come when its fragrance will be comfort and familiarity, known to linger on my coats and clothing because of the many times I’ve pulled you close.

I miss the feeling I’ve never had, that no matter what else goes wrong in life, you and I can always lean on each other.

My gosh! Feeling loved and needed must be addictive. What must it be like to exist in the company of another and to know that person would rather be with you than anyone else in the entire universe? That you, in that moment fixed in time, are the only one who can fulfill that need for companionship? I am sure it exists, this intangible bliss, but for me, it does not exist beyond the imagination.

I miss you, darling. I’ve always missed you.

I’ll be here waiting for you when you get here. I dare you to be as happy as I when that moment comes.

Love always,

Beren

“Let hopes pass, let dreams pass! Let them die!
Without you, what are they for?
I’ll always feel no more than half-way real
Till I hear you sing once more.”

February 27, 2012 - Posted by | Loneliness

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