Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Make Me Feel Again

“I just wanna feel something,
Something that’s a real something
That moves me, that proves to me I’m still alive;
Run my fingers through your fingers, across your face and through your hair 
And close my eyes and breathe you in like air;
I just wanna feel…something.”
Trace Adkins

Would you rather hurt than feel nothing at all?

Those seem to be my only two choices right now. They almost seem to be my only choices since relationships first became an option.

I’ve never trusted my feelings. Passion never governs wisely, and I knew if I was going to live up to your standards, my standards and God’s, my actions had to be ruled by something stronger and more stable than feeling. I fear I may have gone the opposite direction. I have locked up my feelings, locked them up tight. They are on a short leash and only sneak out during movies which appeal to them, or music which entertains them. I don’t cry. I haven’t for years.

I feel “happy” when I am productive, or when I am satisfied at achievement and accomplishment. But am I happy just to sit in a chair in contentment just to exist? Could I swing back in a hammock and be secure in my love of life? Can I inhale air and exhale peace?

No way.

The closest I come to happiness is wrapping a jacket around me tightly (to simulate arms around me) and walking out under the stars, praying to God and missing you; the only sweet in my life is mingled with bitterness.

Can you help me? Can you make me feel again?

Can you bring back the magic of Christmas? Can you give me butterflies, which not even speaking before a large assembly can do anymore? Can you make me feel wise and foolish, trembling and peaceful, excited and rapturous again? Can you make it a goal to make me feel good about being myself? If I am afraid when I look at you, will that be okay?

My faith is almost gone that I can find you. Once again, the pain and sorrow of finding someone worthwhile and then hearing her confess she did not wait plunges another dagger into my heart. I once knew a girl who made me feel, even from a distance. I am beginning to believe what others have told me; I must let it go. If I were to find the will to release myself of that expectation, I think I should find her again. I don’t know how to stop that feeling, and God ignores my pleas to release me from the pain.

I once believed the Lord rewarded virtue. But not every belief can survive a lifetime of experience to the contrary. I thought your reward would be enough. I can’t find anyone who loved me deeply enough to assume the mantle I thought you would wear and reward me.

I wonder…I wonder if I should kill you. I wonder if I should put to death this idea that you exist as even half of what I’d hoped you would be. I can find naught but love that is faded, fallen and used. Wouldn’t I rather have that than nothing at all? Here is one of the only times where I can feel, where I want to feel. I can’t change my feelings on this, and yet every voice of wisdom bids me to.

If you ever loved me, please pray for me tonight.

March 15, 2012 - Posted by | Who I Need You To Be


  1. […] yet…oh, and yet! For a man who restrains his feelings and keeps this heart of stone under lock and key, the promise of those feelings holds untold […]

    Pingback by More Than A Feeling « Letters to Luthien | May 12, 2012 | Reply

  2. […] ask you for a love that rivals the movies? To be vulnerable, to watch over me and encourage me, to make me feel again and lift me out of the depths of myself…to save herself for […]

    Pingback by Arrogance: The Audacity of Aspiration « Letters to Luthien | August 20, 2012 | Reply

  3. […] It’s a desire for something to grip me, to reach down deep inside and meet me where I am, to make me feel…to be […]

    Pingback by Sehnsucht: A Longing Undefined « Letters to Luthien | December 30, 2012 | Reply

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