Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

When I Can’t Sleep

Dear Darling,

I’m sitting in this same room, the room I’ve lived in for ten years now, lit only by the screen’s quiet glow. A drop of rain only occasionally lands on the roof. I have to be up for work in four hours.

And I can’t sleep.

“Of course he can’t,” a voice in my head says. “He has a full mind and empty heart. Empty one or fill the other.”

And maybe that’s true. I would certainly love to change that balance, and maybe find peace in life.

Thoughts do race in my head tonight…thoughts of the future, of the present, of work and ambition and…and of you. It would be cruel to hope you are having a sleepless night too, but shades of destiny like that would make for good stories one day.

I’m not fitful; I just can’t fall asleep. For the first time in months, I reach for my earphones and hope somehow the music can soothe me since darkness can’t. I doubt it will work.

I think of those nights when neither of us can sleep, where we just lie quietly in bed together and talk. A slow song comes on my player, and I can see us slowly dancing together, out on a dance floor or in the darkness of our living room. I can imagine the freedom and exhilaration that comes when I first realize that I love you, that you’re the one, and the liberation that comes from the first time I tell you.

I think of the comfort and bliss so tender and serene when you soothe me. Pulling me in close, laying my head against your heart: “All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace.” It’s enough to sprout tears of joy and happiness.

I can hear you say my name. The smallest of deeds with the greatest of meanings. Darling, of all the words, in all the languages in all the lands of all the world, the one thing I want to hear most is my name on your lips, spoken with love and kindness. I want to hear you thank me for living a life of preparation and waiting for you. I want to know that it was worth it. I want to hear the relief in your voice when you trust me and know that your walls can finally come down completely, that we can share all the things written in our hearts. I want to see you laugh and cry at the same time. I want time for us to be nothing else but us, and nowhere else but together. I yearn for sighs of content, not melancholy.

It’s been a busy two days off. It always is…I don’t know any pace but fast. I’m balancing two jobs, home life and my double life. Days I don’t work are full of bustle and busy.

They say that’s life. I need something more real than that. I need a life that fills my heart as well as my head. I need that love and that support, the kind I’ve lived without for so many long and lonely years.

I need you.

I’ve been waiting so long now…so long. I may not be sleepy tonight, but I am tired. Some days, I think all I’ve ever been is tired.

At times I think I see a face in the crowd, that I recognize the you I haven’t met yet, and when I find it’s not you, it’s just another let-down. Finding you is a hope beyond hope.

You are my greatest ambition. All those silly, sappy words about dying a little bit every day are true. They’re only called sappy by hearts embittered or wearied of that refrain.

I’ve always wanted to leave a legacy. Not a legacy of vanity with my name on buildings and signs, but a legacy of deeds, a harvest my Father can be proud of, an example that can inspire others to be better. Sometimes I wonder why I try, or if all this striving is worth it. I’ve always imagined I’d never retire, but I now see why people do. They want peace. They want to stop fighting and find tranquility and harmony in this life.

More than ever, I want that, and need it.

More than ever, I want and need you, and to find solace and comfort somewhere else besides a computer screen on nights like tonight.

Love always,
-Beren

Advertisements

April 25, 2012 - Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: