Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Tired

“Sometimes I feel like I’ve never been nothing but tired
And I’ll be walking till the day I expire
So sometimes I just lay me down, no more can I do
But then I go on again because you ask me to.”
Patty Griffin

I’m sitting out on the front porch in an unusually cool May afternoon. It’s overcast, but the clouds are toying with the idea of letting the sun glance through. The wind is gently swaying the trees and rose bushes. Every now and again, a humming bird zips by, tiny and oblivious to my presence. Off in the distance, a mourning dove is cooing, either at the departing rain, or the rain still forecast. The yard needs mowing again.

I’m tired today. Exhausted really; weary. It’s been a long week, and I finally have some days off. I’ve worked a lot of hours, and now it should be time for a break and a rest. But there’s always so much to do. I have an added class to prepare and study for. I finished my Bible study over breakfast, and I’m kind of glad tonight is the last one for the summer. There’s bills to pay and e-mails to catch up on, and checks to deposit and errands to run.

I don’t feel like doing any of it.

I want to close my eyes and rest, complete and utter relaxation and peace…but without feeling like I’ve slumbered the day away.

The problem is, if I’m not active and busy, I don’t feel fulfilled. Simply put, if I’m not doing, I’m not happy. And yes, you’re right, that’s no way to live. You’ll always be hectic and frenzied for the pursuit of happiness, or you’ll be resting but restless. The idea of peace can be elusive sometimes, can’t it? There just aren’t many shelters left in the world to shield us from darkness and worry, to give us that safe harbor, the security and freedom to let go completely. Don’t misunderstand, I am peaceful in the sense that I know all things are ultimately in the hands of our Maker. I trust that He will work things out in His good time. But I don’t always feel that internal peace and security that allows me to fold my hands, close my eyes and lay back, content that I may be idle and yet not wasteful.

I want to be content just to be, without the striving and stress of doing.

I think that will accompany your entrance into my life. As adults, I think there isn’t a time we can remember where we weren’t at least slightly tired. Life gets tedious, especially as a principled but lonely son of the Kingdom. Someone recently asked me if I might perhaps be depressed. “No,” I responded. “People are just wearisome.” And it’s true, isn’t it? As Christians, we want to look to others as peers, to carry us when we are tired, if we will carry them in our turn. I’m tired of being the best person I know. I want to find Christian fellowship that isn’t tainted by inappropriate language or the knowledge of past or present compromise. I seek the kinship of depth and perseverance. Failing that in the world, I rest my final hopes on you, that I may find just one soul remaining in the kingdom that can share my life, struggles and all.

This will be one of the ways we’ll find each other, I think. We’ll each be so tired that when we finally discover who we really are, we will collapse in an exhausted heap in each other’s arms.

There is someone I’ve just begun corresponding with who seems to meet that definition. She is facing just as many trials or struggles as am I, if not more. It reminds me anew how much I long to make you brave, take away your tears, give you strength and comfort you. I hope only that you can return the favor. My hold is strong, but at times it quivers with fatigue and strain. It is a joy beyond reason to contemplate the day you come into my life as a helper and comforter.

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May 14, 2012 - Posted by | Loneliness

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