Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Unknowns

A single tear rolled down my cheek tonight.

It was just over some stupid movie — a lovey-dovey snuggle film. I’ll eat those silly flicks like popcorn when you and I are together. For now, it just hurt…like watching couples that hug and kiss and flirt and caress in public.

But that tear was welcome. Why is it that movies can touch me and make me cry when life can’t?

Why can’t I feel? Could it be that I fear happiness? Why do all these questions rise up in my mind? How could I have unresolved feelings for more than one person, and yet not feel as if any of those feelings were whole and complete?

Could it be that I must stop loving and nurturing this idea of you, or else risk never finding the You fated to become the addressee of these letters? Are you hiding from me, disguised inside someone who won’t look like you at first?

How can others go through so much pain and trial and suffering that I have never experienced, and yet I’m the sad one troubled by life? What right have I to be troubled or unhappy when I’ve lived a life that’s the envy of so many? I’ve been given broad shoulders, but it’s as if I can’t use them for me, only for others.

How can I feel so behind and yet so ahead of everyone — and so behind and ahead in life? Is this really what was designed for me?

How can I feel so lost and yet so found at the same time? What is this mixture of fear and hope, pride and despair, perception and ignorance, greatness and inferiority, uncertainty and confidence, wisdom and foolishness, weakness and strength all bound up together inside the same scrambled and weary mind? How can I feel like such a child and yet so ancient at the same time?

Why can’t I release a past that isn’t mine? Why do strings from the past still tug as strongly on my heart as if a literal wire were fitted inside of it? Shadows from the pasts of others shouldn’t cling to me like this…I can’t always be wanting the very things I know I can neither have nor accept.

When pilots lose their bearings in the clouds and the dark, they cannot rely on feeling. They must rely on their tools and guidance. But what if the only way to know what’s right is by feeling? Or do you go ahead with what you know, and wait for feeling to catch up?

And what happens when you don’t get the answers in time?

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June 3, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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