Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

I Dreamed I Kissed You

Dear Darling,

I didn’t get too much sleep last night. Disturbances in life and rising early for worship, plus supporting at least one hurting friend, made for a very late night.

Late this morning, while driving to church actually, it suddenly came back to me. I kissed you in my dream last night.

I’ve never kissed anyone before, Darling. Not a woman I liked, not on the mouth. Once or twice I felt the desire to. We were sitting close together, facing each other. I felt that same powerful urge to be the comforter, to take the sorrows and pains away.

I didn’t.

It’s one of those pleasures I’ve forestalled, knowing in the end physical expressions of love are a means to the end, not the end themselves. It’s electricity that clouds the objective thinking, and bonds, perhaps prematurely. Heavens! don’t think I’m not tempted! I do my best not to put myself in frivolous situations as you know, and even try not to imagine the flames kindled from deep within at the physical touch and electrifying intimacy of sharing a kiss. It’s not as if I don’t want to. I cannot wait to wrap you up in my arms and do nothing but kiss your lips, your eyes, your forehead, your face, your neck.

I didn’t see your face last night. I didn’t see anything about you. Of course I wouldn’t; that would be cheating. All I remember is the strange, alien new comfort and passionate affection, a warm, comforting familiar sensation of being close to someone I loved. It touched something deep inside my core, a feeling of longing and hunger that has never been met before, and so startles to feel its satisfaction — even if fleeting and fanciful. How could my mind concoct such realistic visions of the things I’ve never experienced? The only explanation I know of is that kissing is built into us. The feelings of longing, separation, emptiness, absence, are all hard-wired into our existence, a divinely-appointed craving that drives us like the restless migratory instincts of beasts to find our true life’s partner.

Darling, it may not seem important to you. Odds are, you’ve playfully and meaningfully shared the illusive “true love’s first kiss” with someone. Like I told you here and here, it bugs me a little bit. But I’ve held on this long, held back on this gift that so many give so freedly, and now I feel I owe it to you and I both not to give it away lightly, if only because everyone else does. I’ve even pondered whether or not I should save it for the altar, as some are in the habit of doing. Or, I’ve pondered not being so caught up in the overthinking of something beautiful and meant to be shared.

I just can’t help thinking, to kiss someone other than you would still somehow be unfaithful to you. I should save everything for you, not just give it away to anyone.

Is this not a gift beyond price? My first kiss ever? What if I ultimately saved it and gave it to you and you only? Wouldn’t that be a story worth telling?

Well now. Make no mistake. I can’t wait to kiss you. I can’t wait for that first deep, long, passionate kiss in front of our families and friends and God and the altar, one that we’ll have to cut off for propriety’s sake if not for the need of air. I can’t wait to kiss you when we get to the honeymoon suite, no holds barred.

I can’t wait for those endless, sweet kisses, drinking and breathing each other in thirstily and enjoying the mutual trust and love.

I can’t wait for the welcome-home kisses, the tender goodnight kisses that turn into three and four or more, those wonderful good-morning kisses, the best possible way to wake up. Those surprises kisses where I sneak up behind you and dip you low to the ground.

I can’t wait for the kisses through tears. I can’t wait for the quiet kisses while you hold our sleeping son or daughter in your arms. I can’t wait for those times where life bears down and you burrow your head in my chest and I kiss your forehead to comfort and reassure you. I can’t wait for those middle-aged, seasoned kisses where it’s as easy and as habitual as breathing. We’re going to take such sacred moments for granted one day, and it will be wonderful!

Kisses hello, kisses goodbye, kisses goodnight, kisses in the rain, kisses just for the fun of it. Kisses where we look at each other from across the room, in the middle of common, ordinary everyday things and suddenly there’s a fire that brims out of your eyes and I can’t do anything but say “get over here” and start loving on you.

Heavens, Darling. I hope you get here soon. We’ve got a lot of life to get started on!

Love always,
Beren

August 20, 2012 - Posted by | Anticipation

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