Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

The Lonely

“Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.”

Christina Perri

Dear Darling,

I don’t suppose most normal people spend a lot of time contemplating happiness, or its requisite ingredients. Most people don’t ask when or how or even why. They just chase it. They spend their time pursuing pleasure for pleasure’s sake, not asking what’s right, what’s wrong or what’s best. They complain often enough, but they also seem happy enough.

Those around me are telling me I’m not happy anymore. Some question whether or not I’m actually experiencing depression.

I’m not. I realize rejecting the claim merely feeds accusations of denial, but Darling, I’ve analyzed the question and am quite certain I am not depressed. That’s not to say I’m not struggling, or finding life more challenging nowadays. You’ve seen enough of my heart to know life without you has always been a challenge. And I don’t think that’s unfair. In addition to the old stresses, we’re adding new ones. The world itself seems to be growing darker. Kind and gentle childhood memories fade in the grim filter of the ugly present. In attempting to bear the burdens and encourage or uplift others, I guess I expected eventually my turn would come and somebody somewhere would give back to me, and they haven’t. Even my family isn’t the same anymore, facing the difficulties they are. The last pool of support and shelter is drying up, or poisoned.

They all say not to stake my last hope on you, Darling. They all say don’t build you up in my mind so that I can never be happy unless I get married. But isn’t that who God made us to be? He created us to need each other…He created us to need more than just Himself. Adam needed Eve. Funny how the people who say not to hinge happiness on one person I haven’t found yet are married. I should like to see them survive the battles and loneliness I have, to be as old as I am and still alone. And isn’t that what married people tell their partners all the time? I’ve read the letters, seen the poems, heard the songs. “I’m nothing without you. I’m everything I am because of you. You are my whole world.” They are honest to each other in this way. But either they tell flattering falsehoods, or they must concede that the man who is without his beautiful bride is the nothing, the absent, the lonely.

No Darling, until I find someone to share my company and my dinners and my heart with, I don’t see myself feeling completely fulfilled or at peace with the world around me.

That’s why I anticipate your arrival so much. Right now, my happiness is derived from achievement. I have to earn it; a striving, grasping, reaching sort of pursuit, which feels less like happiness and more like fulfillment, or personal pride of accomplishment. I’ve had some major accomplishments the past several weeks. But getting out on the beach is the only thing that made me truly happy, and even that wasn’t complete.

Now hear me out, I know that I cannot rest all my hopes of happiness on you. Nor can I expect that every moment of our lives will be happy once I find you.

What I can expect is less earning of happiness, and less effort spent in its apprehension. Happiness with you, Darling, will be involuntary. It’s going to be an uncontrolled joy that makes me feel like jumping up and catching the wind for a spin around a few clouds. It will be that irresistible upsurge from down in my core, that bubbles up in a sharp gasp of air, or a laugh, or just feeling like whooping out the window. It will be that stupid grin I just can’t wipe off my face.

You see, if I asked you to smile right now, it would require a small amount of effort on your part. Yet there have been times when the gravity reversed on the corners of my mouth and I couldn’t stop smiling. And yes, this has often been because I felt valuable and attractive to a girl because she showed interest or even encouragement.

If I were unhappy in the face of an unhappy, pressured, unstressed life, then I daresay I would be willing to consider being depressed.

My needs are few. Just one shoulder to lay my head on every once in a while. Someone to call on the way home. Someone to breathe an “I love you” in my ear without anything else on the end of it, someone to make happy. Someone to support me, kiss my face and stare into my eyes and make me feel ten feet tall. Someone who can be vulnerable and let me do all the same things to her.

As it is, I will continue coping and being amazing as best I can until you get here.

Oh, and Darling? I love you.


October 13, 2012 - Posted by | Loneliness

1 Comment »

  1. […] It’s not just romance, nor even happiness. It’s experience. It’s a desire for something to grip me, to reach down deep inside and meet me where I am, to make me feel…to be involuntarily. […]

    Pingback by Sehnsucht: A Longing Undefined « Letters to Luthien | December 30, 2012 | Reply

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