Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Various and Sundry Thoughts, Pt. 5

Dear Darling,

There’s a stiff autumn wind blowing outside. The trees and shrubs are dancing violently in the wind, but it isn’t a cold wind. The sun rose strangely this morning, a hazy yellow pallor, casting afternoon shadows on the morning.

Sometimes, I want to pick a specific subject and talk to you about just it. Something that gives you hope, and thus give me another reason to keep going. And sometimes, I just want to open my heart and let all the thoughts and feelings come tumbling out for us to sort through together. It’s a dangerous hobby, especially when people you know might be looking over your shoulder.

1) Someone said goodbye today. Actually, I did. I had to, because we never could get past hello. There’s something ruefully liberating about letting someone go. You feel like your possibilities are suddenly open again…but so open that there’s no options. You feel like it’s okay to smile more at girls you don’t know, but you’re sad you lost a chance to peg down the rest of your life. Even if it never seemed like much of a chance to begin with. I guess God would send me the kind of person who has every appearance of being everything I ever hoped for, and have it fall flat. Long live the divine “Psych!” Maybe one of these days I’ll actually get close enough to hurt after a breakup.

2) Every night after I get out of the shower, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I’ll be handsome or desirable to you. I don’t find men handsome or attractive in the slightest.  I think you’d probably be pleased with my appearance even now, but it’s difficult because I’ve pulled a muscle which has been ludicrously slow to heal. I’ve had to pull out of most of my exercising, which I hate. By the way, just a heads-up, I plan on having a six-pack by the time we’re together. Like, I want to be your exact idea of what a man should be. It may not last, but at least starting out, I want you to have the best.

3) I took myself out on another date last week. I needed to get out of the house and create distance with some conflicts I couldn’t solve. And when you can’t solve it, distance is the next best thing. So I went to the theater. It was quite an experience, actually. The box office was sold out (weeks ago, according to some) but the Lord provided and was given an extra ticket someone didn’t use. It’s just as good you and I didn’t try to go together, but…still. You should have been there. The theater was crowded and cramped but comfortable enough. The music was decent. Afterwards, I went back to the car and passed a horse-drawn carriage taking a couple through the city streets. I never knew my city had them. One more thing to add to my list of things to do together. Afterwards, I would have offered you my arm and we could have strolled downtown. We could have walked by the fountain, not speaking, but thinking our own thoughts to ourselves and silently growing closer together. Maybe you wouldn’t have found Taco Bell the most romantic setting for dinner afterwards, but the hour was late, and I think I would have been perfectly content to stare over my nachos and into your eyes.

4) It’s a strange yet welcoming feeling when a stranger texts and, as part of the conversation, asks how you’re doing. It’s surprising. But, it’s nice.

5) I never get invited to weddings. Even a very good friend who shared my values and my heart for marriage and life somehow “neglected” to invite me to his. I’m not sure if not attending weddings is a good thing or bad. I think I would be sad at anything but a pure wedding…looking with irony at a bride wearing white when she has earned anything but. And it would hurt to see the wedding of someone and feel once again like a stranger outside in the cold, leaning on the frosty windowsill and watching the family sitting warm and toasty by the fire.

6) I feel like I show weakness, openness and vulnerability more than most people I know. Sometimes I think I should clam up more and show less of myself to the world. But then I’ve been told that I’m always the person giving, the person who is strong, the person who reaches out. People naturally assume they don’t need to reach back or give anything to me.

7) If you were to tell me you knew someone who is tall, relatively attractive (according to some), relatively athletic, intelligent, confident, hard-working, thoughtful, caring, decently selfless, virtuous, who has another “secret identity” of some renown, who works two jobs and is pursuing a solid, respectable and lucrative career, who sits playing sad love songs on the piano on weekends and spends study time writing letters to his future bride…..and then tell me that man is single, I think anyone would find it sad. Some would call such an assessment arrogant, but it’s who I’ve strived to be my whole life, always aspiring to be of the highest quality for my bride. I think upon reflection, watching the faithless claim their reward while the faithful bide in darkness, maybe I’d have been less careful. The Lord’s happiness is supposed to be reward enough, but…I don’t feel rewarded at all.

8) I love live jazz concerts. And I love beaches, provided they aren’t crowded, especially with mostly unclothed patrons. And I love you. I think, if you put me at a live jazz concert, on the beach, with you by my side, I would be in heaven. Heaven.
Yours ever,

Beren

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October 15, 2012 Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These, Sundry Thoughts | Leave a comment