Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

When’s It My Turn?

Dear Darling,

I hate that all of my thoughts lately seem sad and forlorn. You must by now believe that I am always sad. I’m not always. I think I am only sad when I think of you, because I want to talk to you and can’t. I want to be with you and you’re not here. I want to love you and cherish you and nuzzle you and hold your hand…and I can’t.

I wonder if I ever will.

I wonder when it’s going to be my turn? When do I get to lay down for a leisurely Sunday nap…with you sighing contentedly next to me? When will I have someone to bring home flowers to? When can I go for a Sunday drive to look at all these autumn colors? They only last a week or two.

When will I meet the woman who will take pride in bearing our children? When do I get to be the one posting blissful statuses, taking pictures of you and I together, making memories? When do I get to hold our first son or daughter, feeling so happy I could burst, and you sitting there in bed, exhausted and yet overjoyed simply because I am happy?

When will I know the someone that I truly connect with? The person I don’t have to hide any side of me, the person who would see  through me even if I did try to hide? Where is the person who will put a smile on my face just by texting? The person who makes my heart skip a beat when she gets out of her car, or butterflies just by walking through the door? When can I meet the one who makes me happy just because she’s alive?

When can I find the destiny I aspire to, not a fate to resign myself to? When’s it my turn to find the person who makes me be a better man, the man I want to become, just by being with her? The person who introduces me to the other side of myself — the thoughts I have but can’t voice, the songs I feel but haven’t heard, the feelings I know but can’t understand? When will I find the person who brings me peace, who helps me become me?

Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile being lonely with who I know my Father to be. He promised He would never leave me, and He never has. But He also made me to need you…to need love and kindness, hugs and the warmth of human flesh and bone. He’s not here to put His arms around me. He wants me to stand on my own two feet and be Him to the world. I know that is my ultimate calling. But we all hope for a reward. We hope there’s a causal connection between our decisions and the consequences, between action and outcome. Choosing righteousness should carry with it the scorn of the world, but also the smile of the Father. There should be blessings. We’re guaranteed to suffer and be outcasts in His name, and while I’ve not been thrown to any lions, I can testify that bearing the name of Jesus will isolate and exclude. Either I have not chosen righteousness, or the rewards haven’t arrived yet, or simply won’t.

You know, it’s kind of funny, but I don’t like to be served. And yet…I do.It’s a strange dichotomy and I don’t have it figured out well enough to explain it to you. If someone does something as simple as complimenting me, I feel in their debt, and immediately grasp for the debt’s repayment by offering them a compliment. If someone thanks me for something, I automatically say “thank you” even if I know I’m the only one that did anything. I’d rather do something myself than be served or waited on. And yet…and yet I want, desperately want someone to care enough to do that. If the things I do go unnoticed, I feel unappreciated and unloved. Maybe the results don’t matter…maybe I just want someone to try, to show me I mean something, that they care. I often feel as if those around me don’t care very much, or at least don’t show it.

I know you and I are going to become the most important thing on earth to each other, Darling, and that’s why I can’t wait to meet you. I know that even if we fight, even if the rest of the world turns against us, we’ll have each other.

I’m not sad all the time. I’m just lonely.

More than anything, I want the person who looks into my eyes with sincerity, kindness and love, peering into my heart and unmasking my soul. The woman who will let me empty myself of myself and give to her.

The woman who has been through so much, who needs saving and shelter and comfort, but looks at me and says “Isn’t it time someone saved  you?”

Love ever,
Beren

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October 22, 2012 - Posted by | Loneliness, Who I Need You To Be

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