Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Dark Side

Everybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me? Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect, but we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Kelly Clarkson

Dear Darling,

I’m not perfect, you know.

I don’t want to give you (or anyone) the wrong impression.

I don’t want you to think that I am only the sum of these letters. I don’t want to portray my halo as more golden than it is, or make you think I am history’s greatest lover destined for history’s greatest romance. In the end, I am just a man. I am flawed. I can be angry and impatient, selfish and sad. In my passion for justice and righteousness, sometimes I miss the truth of mercy.

I can be proud. I have reason to be, but that’s no excuse. Sometimes I come across as inconsiderate, judgmental, or arrogant. Sometimes I seem like a brutish lout and don’t even realize it. Sometimes I have trouble connecting with people, so I stay silent, or my connections themselves become somewhat awkward. Sometimes I take charge of a situation because no one else will, but then I try to scale back because I don’t want to just assume control.

Sometimes when I think I’m right, I get lost in trying to prove I’m right, and lose sight of the bigger picture. I’m too logical and sometimes too dispassionate. Those who argue with me become exasperated, insisting I can’t just logic my way through everything. Sometimes people get mad at me because they cannot hurt me.

In fact, a wise older mentor spoke to this recently. Ironically, she was angry at me for having missed a meeting due to a miscommunication, adding stress to her life. But we sorted it out, and had a thoughtful discussion. She told me I was strong and grounded. She said I would oftentimes have to stand alone, and should do so without anger or sadness. She had me with her right until the end, until she said without anger or sadness. I had to ask her how I was supposed to do that. Her answer was good but not entirely satisfactory given my experience. She told me some people would resent me, even subconsciously, for being strong.

Isn’t that the most ironic thing of all? I turned out to be the strong one.

Well Darling, I’m not always. I’m not always any of the things you read in these letters, good or bad. You know by now that sometimes, in mind and soul, I go to a very dark place. Some even wonder if I am depressed. I’m not. Some say I’m absurd to think finding you would be the cure of such feelings. You may not cure everything, but my love with you will complete what I feel I need to forgo complaints.

See, I am usually someone who takes the world as it finds him, and whatever pains or trials find me are meant to find me. If I did not choose the path that led me to that darkness, then I am content that my Father sent me them for a reason.

I know you’ll have a dark side too. Everyone does. You’ll have things to fret and fear about. You’ll have battles, things you don’t like about yourself. As long as they are not the gravest of darknesses such as being unfaithful to me, I’m okay with that. Believe it or not, that’s what will make me even more attracted to you. When you are made to heal and support and serve like I am, how can you be happy unless you can put forth that art and skill? Warriors fight, lovers love and healers heal. (Actually, I’m all three.)

I just don’t want to deceive you. I don’t want to mislead you or raise your standard so high that you forget I am human.

In a way, these letters have helped me as much as you. They help me figure out who I am. They help me process my life, and understand or come to grips with my experiences. They make me realize what I really want and who I am. What’s important, and what’s not. They make me understand how much I love you, and they make me a little afraid that all I’ll ever be able to do is express my love in letters, and that in person I’ll be far less interesting or affectionate than my writings suggest.

Or maybe Darling…maybe you and I will be so amazing together that we’ll make these letters seem like the bland scribblings of an inelegant nine-year-old.

One day we’ll find out.

Until then.

Love always,
Beren

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November 11, 2012 - Posted by | About Me

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