Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Don’t

Don’t.

Don’t keep bringing this up. Don’t tell me I’m the problem. Don’t make me dredge up those feelings, or orbit in the unending sentiments. Don’t make me wallow in that anger or that hurt. I’m trying to bury it, for everyone’s sake. If only you could be in my shoes, see what I see, feel what I feel. The world would look so different. Your mouth would drop.

Don’t deny me something I’ve looked forward to my entire life. Don’t tell me to settle for less, lay aside everything I’ve worked for, saved up for, dreamed for. Don’t make me reenter that torture chamber. You may as well take a shotgun and blow out my insides. I’ll point to the place where it hurts — so familiar I could draw a map blindfolded, just beneath the rib cage.

Don’t tell me I can’t get what I want until I don’t want it anymore. Don’t tell me that my begging, pleading desperation for someone who complements me and understands my struggle is a sense of entitlement.

Don’t tell me someone is a new creation when memories and consequences remain.

Don’t encourage me to settle. Don’t coax me back from hoping love will be everything I hope it to be. Don’t tell me it’s not a big deal when all I’ve ever told is that it is. Don’t tell me I bring it up too much. It’s part of who I am. Don’t make me betray myself.

Don’t make me feel guilty for choosing not to adopt scars and ghosts that aren’t mine. Don’t insist it’s my obligation to accept regrets because I have none, for the sake of spreading them more evenly.

Don’t assume just because that is a roadblock in pursuing someone that it is the only one. Maybe I just don’t love them.

Don’t criticize. I need assurance and affirmation. The world laughs at me, tells me I am not wholly man, not wholly grown.

Don’t ignore or invalidate my hunger, or the strength and dedication it’s taken to restrain it. Don’t point fingers at me if I bow my head with the weight of despair that I am alone and will never find what I seek.

Don’t rob me of my peace, or demand I surrender it. Don’t remind me how alone I am. Don’t plunge me back into that maddening cloud of thought. Don’t insist it’s different.

Don’t bring up the unfaithful. I am hurt and angry and frustrated with them. Don’t mention those who were complicit; I want to hurt them like they hurt me.

Don’t assume I don’t want to talk about it. I do. I am restraining my natural impulse to protect others.

Don’t. Please.

November 18, 2012 - Posted by | Loneliness, Purity, Uncategorized

3 Comments »

  1. Ah, so true.

    Comment by Mint | November 19, 2012 | Reply

  2. Dear Beren,

    It’s society that tells us to make excuses for others’ wrong choices, to compromise our promises, to accept halves when we are searching for a whole. All my life I was raised to be the better person, the good girl, the example, the standard. I was taught to make the sacrifices, go the extra miles, & take the long road alone while everyone else around me took the shortcuts or the early exits. I chose to continue this journey even after I was allowed the freedom to make my own decisions, & I was careful to redirect my steps each time I started to feel as though my feet were slowly starting to wander off the edge. Is it so wrong of me to accept no less from the man I will someday commit to spending the rest of my life with?

    Yes, I believe in forgiveness. It’s in the Bible, & I know that I have needed it in many areas of my life to make my faith stronger & change myself for the better. But I also believe in obedience, self-control, purity, true love. Because all of that is in the Bible too- why is that so easily forgotten when it comes to today’s marriage standards?

    Sometimes, especially on peaceful nights like to tonight while walking my dog under the stars, I think that maybe I’m too picky, too much of a hopeless romantic, too naïve to think that I can have just as much as I someday plan to give. That times have changed & I just haven’t caught on yet. That what I’m saving is not a blessing but just a curse I carry on my shoulders, & that it’s my own fault that I’m not in a relationship because I have unrealistic expectations in men. That my choice doesn’t have to be his choice too, because that’s asking too much from a modern man.

    But when I visualize my future, I don’t see myself with just anybody. Just the average, typical guy every other girl may fall for but not me. I’ve never followed the crowd in any other part of my life, so why my love life either? So what if I’m in college & never had a steady boyfriend? So what if I’ve never been out on a real date? So what if I ignore whistles & cat calls instead of giving them the attention every other girl would give? Shame on society for telling me that I’m too picky, too careful. Because I know I’m happier & better off by myself than I am with just any guy.

    I need a guy who’s better than me but doesn’t think that he is. While I’ve always strived to be humble & modest, I always secretly think to myself that I’m the better person in the room- the girl who goes out but makes all the right decisions, the girl who falls down but would never let my face wear anything less than a smile , the girl whose a magnet for men who ignore all other of God’s gifts I share & who keep eyeing a gift only meant for one to receive.

    & I’m honestly tired of it.

    I need someone to admire. Someone to challenge me to be better. Someone who’s so pure that he almost makes me feel like I’m not worthy enough. Someone who respects me. Someone who expects me to live my life no less than the way I’ve chosen to live it. Someone who would settle for nothing less. I need the man society tells me does not exist but my heart tells me to wait for. The man who would only marry me & would not even give a chance to any woman of any less morals or standards. Is that selfish of me? I need you, your choices, your love, & nothing less.

    Until then, future husband, let’s both strive to not only be better but our BEST selves. In society’s eyes, the roads we travel make us the last to cross the finish line. But God saves the BEST for last! & I know our marriage…& honeymoon(I blush at this word every time!)… will be THE BEST if we BOTH wait:) All I ask is that you DON’T compromise on anything less than what we BOTH deserve.

    – Your Luthien

    Comment by Little Light of His | November 20, 2012 | Reply

  3. “I need someone to admire. Someone to challenge me to be better. Someone who’s so pure that he almost makes me feel like I’m not worthy enough. Someone who respects me. Someone who expects me to live my life no less than the way I’ve chosen to live it. Someone who would settle for nothing less.”

    This.

    Comment by BerenEstel | November 20, 2012 | Reply


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