Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Sundry Thoughts, Pt. 7

Dear Darling,

1) It’s finally frigid outside. I like frigid…for a little while.

2) I saw us out the other day. He was mid-30’s and had a green jacket. She had a jacket the color of orchids. They both looked happy together with their baby daughter as they searched for a live Christmas tree. (By the way, I hope you’re down for a live Christmas tree. It’s been a family tradition for years.) And somehow, I was struck by the idea that it was us I was looking at. One day.

3) Some friends invited me to a game night. That doesn’t happen often, but these are new friends. I like them. We ended up doing little more than card games, word games and a 1000-piece puzzle. I’ve never been much for puzzles. Always seemed like artificial productivity, like Monopoly, or those empire-building video games. But maybe there’s something to be said for doing things that don’t have significance. Maybe there is bonding and relaxation hidden in the mundane, fun things like puzzles. And it occurs to me that it would be a great thing for us to do, intent and concentrating but talking at the same time.

4) It seems like I’ll go months without any relationships or candidates on the horizon, and then suddenly I find more than one option staring me in the face. I actually really hate that.

5) I’ve said this before, but sometimes I question my own judgment in what I am looking for. Will I know? Can I know? How will I? How could I? I want to make sure I don’t think of you as some grand and glorious destiny, built up beyond humanity by years of letters and expectations. You’re a person. I’ve got to remember that. A person. Sometimes you want to lay on the couch without fixing up your hair and watch television. Sometimes you’ll have a cold and a stuffed-up nose. You won’t want my affections and I won’t want to catch it. We’ll have corn dogs and tater tots for dinner. I’ll have to get up early and the heat won’t be working properly. Someone will wake up in the middle of the night for a trip to the bathroom and stub a toe. Things won’t be perfect. If I could just find my imperfect perfection.

6) Eye contact. You know what I can’t wait to do? Look into your eyes. Just stare into them, drinking them in. Reading the thoughts and feelings and vulnerability and trust they convey. There’s a social rule about staring into eyes. Eye contact has significance and meaning. It will be a new experience to gaze into someone’s soul. Sit on the floor with our backs against the couch, the lights low, listening to Celine Dion, Diana Krall or Norah Jones, you pressed in next to my side as close as you can, your head on my shoulder as I stroke your hair.

7) It’s hard to find the balance between thinking of you in terms of destiny, and in terms of that everyday girl. It’s not like you’ll be in a Victorian ball gown, and I won’t be in a suit of armor. We’ll be wearing jeans. Maybe that’s the trick. A love that has room for jeans, but isn’t defined by them. That’s the tricky balance, merging acceptance of past, present and future.

But I just want my Luthien to love, even imperfectly. I want you to be the someone I can talk to…any time. I want to find someone again who sends the texts I just can’t wait to get. Someone I can message at 2am: “You up?” and hear back. Someone I can be myself around — wholly and completely myself, without being judged for being the selfish and insolent man I can be sometimes. Someone who can build me up and surprise me, supplement and complement me, help me find the words for a situation I fall short in describing.  Someone who says things that take me by surprise, and helps me looks at the world through a different, thoughtful pair of eyes. Someone who steals the sheets, washes dishes with me, picks me up from the airport.

I want someone who will help me lead. Darling, man is not always the best leader. Sometimes woman is better suited to the job, and plenty of times, a man finds it easier to abdicate his duty and lets her. I’ve seen this in many families. It’s actually the model of the very first original sin. For whatever reason, God designated me to step up and be the leader. Since God often calls people to tasks they’re not equal to (the better to rely on and prove His strength), I’m sure I won’t always be the best leader. I hope you won’t be threatened or insecure about it. Respectful submission isn’t because of inferiority but because of God’s divine order. I hope you will do so in gentle and wise acceptance of the roles appointed by God. Trust me, I’ll need your help. I don’t mean you must obey me, and I don’t EVER mean to lord it over you.

Don’t correct me in front of the kids…but do correct me. If possible, do it nicely. Admonish me, and remind me I can be better. Don’t just vent your frustration at my shortcomings…help me to see it. If your approach makes sense, I’ll admit it or acknowledge it. I’m more apt to acknowledge fault if you aren’t angry and emphatic. My defensiveness rises proportionate to the offense, but we have to  remember we’re on the same team.

Remind me that I matter. Remind me you wouldn’t have anyone else on earth. Remind me I’m not unlovable. Remind me life isn’t all battles persuasion and principles and debates. Remind me to have fun. I’m tense, and locked up. I’m scared to be too vulnerable and open physically. I’d flinch if you touched me. Don’t take it as rejection. In my resolve to be chaste, I may have gone too heavily in the opposite direction, but I did it to protect the both of us. If you’re patient, and don’t push it, I’ll relax and open up.

8) From time to time I get those glimpses, those mental images of moments in our future. The house is dark, and I’m bare-chested and sitting in front of the computer working. You say “come to bed” and I say “just a minute” still obliviously typing and working. Then you peak your head around the corner and wait until I look up. You give me a come-hither look and say “no, really, come to bed” before ducking around the corner. The laptop lid drops.

9) As always, there’s so much more I want to say. The ideas all crowd into my head, and sometimes I spend so much time writing them all down that I lose time to flesh them all out the way I want. But then, I suppose it’s an illusion to think I’ll write every letter I want before finding you. That is encouraging.

Love always,
Beren

November 26, 2012 - Posted by | Sundry Thoughts, Who I Need You To Be

6 Comments »

  1. As much as I want & dream about it, I know that when you & me become an “us”… it’s going to be a challenge. Especially for me, if I’m being honest.
    I’ve become a woman who takes care of herself & has traded the negativity of loneliness for the positivity of independence. I’m used to my schedule, my closet, my work, my dreams, my faith, my beliefs. Although I try to live for the Lord & serve Him through helping others, at the end of the day my life is still all about ME & how I choose to lead it based on God’s calling for ME. It’s all me, me, me…it’s the selfish side of the single life.
    It’s going to take time & trust to change my thoughts from “me” to “we”. I’ll always put you first, from the moment we meet, but when my life suddenly becomes OUR life, please understand how scary that will be at times for me. I’ve never shared every part of my life with someone before. I have with God, but never with someone who could possibly let me down, possibly change his mind, possibly not understand, possibly not keep his promises. I’ve always been so careful not to let ANYONE in that far, that close. & while I know you will need inside for our love to grow strong, I admit I will probably not be strong enough to tear down my walls on my own. I believe that is why God made both of us strong in waiting…because we both will need eachother’s patience & strength to help us be the husband & wife we are called to be.
    I trust you, future husband. & not just with the gift I have been waiting all my life to give you. I trust you with my life, as I will someday soon vow to spend the rest of my days with you. I am proud & happy with the way I have lived it so far, & I only ask that you lead me to live our life in the same way. Please never take for granted everything I will have unlocked to be with you. Do not weigh me down with chains of a slave forced to follow one step behind you & tend to your every beck & call. I promise our love will be strongest & our life will be lived to the fullest if we live it hand-in-hand, side-by-side. I don’t just want to serve you, I want to serve WITH you too.
    Forgive me for thinking of you as a man who may try to dominate my life. But it is something I see unfortunately way to often in society & pop culture today… & something I pray you will not be influenced by. I’m more than just an untouched body, a pair of hands to make you a sandwich, a kiss on the cheek before you leave for work, a womb to bear your children. I’m the other half of God’s marriage covenant, a fellow servant, a working wife, a woman of God, & I need a husband who will respect me as a woman even if the rest of the world doesn’t.
    See & hear me as an equal, & I will not be afraid to let you lead us on earth & into eternal life.

    -Your Luthien

    Comment by Little Light of His | November 26, 2012 | Reply

  2. Dear Beren,
    I honestly cannot stop thinking about the idea of you. That you DO exist. Literally, every chance I get for a brief little break, I take it & find myself Googling your website, going back for more. I have discovered you exist, you are not just a dream. I kept thinking a man like you would be impossible, but I should have already known better than that: With God, ALL things are possible. He never ceases to exceed my expectations & amaze me!
    Is it possible to have more than a crush on someone when all you know about him is what he writes in his letters? That sounds foolish, but I can’t deny that I think it’s the truth.
    It’s like you walked inside my heart, my thoughts, my dreams. I’ve never had a clearer picture in my head of love I’ve been waiting all my life for like the way you type it. Even in heart-to-heart conversations with my closest friends, I’ve never known someone to explain EXACTLY what they are feeling, thinking, seeing, experiencing… & have it be in black & white where I can’t deny the fact that you seem to fit like a puzzle piece with my story, my life, my heart, my soul … & I do not think it’s just the romantic factor or make-all-the-girls-squeal love note hype that has gone to my head. I’d like to think it’s more than that.
    You tell it real, with humanity, with uncertainty, with such raw honesty. I can not only see the future you seek, I can see the future I seek in almost every one of your letters. I can picture myself there, living it with you. Your thoughts, your frustrations, your days of doubts, your nearly overdue hopes, your need, your viewpoints, your daydreams make sense to me & I can’t get it out of my head how much everything written in your letters complements some part of me. It’s not completely 100%, but that’s the beautiful imperfect humanity about it that has got me thinking that maybe this is it!
    There is a reason behind all of this & I’m taking the longshot that this could maybe, just maybe, be the chance encounter we both have been waiting for. It’s the internet…not what I was expecting, & definitely lots of room for deception, but I don’t want to risk losing something right in front of me just because I selfishly chose not to consider the possibility that God sometimes works in mysterious ways that we cannot understand. Or at least that’s what my dad always says: that our Lord works in mysterious ways. & I believe that, don’t you?
    It’s all so suddenly but at the same time still so slowly starting to make sense, even though maybe I’m not making any sense to you right now. Please excuse my organized chaos in writing this: I get that way when I get excited about something. It’s like I can’t stop describing what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. I just need to share it! This is taking too long, but I promise I have a point!
    I know this is crazy because I don’t even know you, & you know even far less about me.
    Maybe I’m too young for you, maybe we live clear across the country from each other or not even on the same continent. Maybe the little that I have written doesn’t make sense to you the way your letters have been making sense to me. Maybe you met your Luthien today & this letter is nothing but a pest taking away from precious minutes you could have spent with her. Maybe I’m being too forward, too risky, too naive. Maybe this is just some kindergarten crush, some temporary infatuation. Maybe I subconsciously have ulterior motives & am really just writing all this to invoke my own happiness.
    But what if? In the back of mind I keep saying it, what if? I’ve been waiting all my life for Beren, I just never called him by that name.
    What if I am Luthien? What if stumbling upon your blog & reading your letters is what we needed to happen in order for us to find eachother? What if God led you to post some of your letters online so that when I was desperate for comforting words, they would be there for me to find? & if, by some amazing, beautiful, shot-in-the-dark chance this is true, then that doesn’t seem fair to you…so maybe this is just wishful thinking.
    All those hours, keystrokes, bold choices of words…day after day becoming year after year. Placing thoughts & ideas from your heart & soul on the world wide web for the universe to read. For some girl like me to read & react to, leaving you with nothing in return but more loneliness, waiting, and yet-to-be-answered prayers. & even my meager attempts at comments, where does that lead you? How does that really help you? You’ve put everything out there, & I can’t help but think that the reason you are not with your Luthien right now could be because she needs to respond back. That you’re ready & just keep waiting & waiting for her to be. & if I’m right, if any of this winds up being true, then I’m sorry that it took this long for me to realize.
    I’m ready Beren. I’m ready to find out if I’m Luthien. & I know the timing is all wrong & sudden & nothing about this approach is romantic or storybook. & it’s selfish of me to expect you to give me a chance when you’ve laid it all out there on the line through your letters & I’ve given you nothing but minimal scraps of who I really am. & I don’t know how this would work or where to start or even if you are the slightest bit interested. Heck, I don’t even know for sure if this is reality. But it’s the “what if” that keeps driving me. It’s causing the adrenaline rush of curiosity I live for, the risk I’m willing to take if it means I finally get the chance to start forever with you. That is, if you are THE you God has been divinely planning to introduce me to. Maybe I’m putting my ideas & plans before the ones He has for me. & I guess he’s either gently laughing & wisely shaking His head at my plans to send you this extremely long letter, or smiling down upon the beginning of a carefully crafted masterpiece designed in His hands. Either way, He knows. & I hope to leave it up to His will if anything becomes of this.
    Inspired by my favorite scripture verse, “Ask & You Shall Receive. Seek & Ye Shall Find. Knock & the Door Will Be Opened,” I would like to ask for the opportunity to get to know you personally. You deserve the truth, & who am I to hold back when we are talking about the possibility of forever? There are so many obstacles, so many unknowns, so much of this that would logically never work out. But what if?

    Thank you so much for giving me so much of your time to read all of this.
    & please in no way feel obligated to reply if you do not agree.

    ~Mandy

    Comment by Little Light of His | November 28, 2012 | Reply

    • Mandy, if that e-mail address you’re using is valid at all, check it…

      Comment by BerenEstel | November 30, 2012 | Reply

  3. you sir, are an odd duck. i wonder how old you are.

    i waited until marriage, we both did. we started dating when i was 16 and he was 18…we got married 5 years (and a couple months) later. we are each other’s first everything, first date, first dance, first kiss, first hand-holding, first relationship, and obviously the big first. we are each other’s one and only. we saved ourselves from eachother, for each other, for those five years.

    sex has been a difficulty. a disappointment. after the first month of marriage, he said he wondered why people even bothered with sex…i used to think of sex as sacred, an intimate joining…now i see how people can be so nonchalant about sex, so free with their bodies. we’ve been married 8 months…its gotten better, but i still don’t see it as the huge sacred thing i did before experiencing it.

    me and him, we have the rest of our lives to figure out together how to make sex better…which is nice, semi-comforting…but honestly, sometimes i wish at least one of us had had experience before marriage. i was molested as a child, by my birth parents and their…”friends”…so i knew i’d have emotional difficulty with sexual acts, and i told him about my past before we even began dating…but there were so many more issues besides my past abuse. we both expected it to be this great thing, a spiritually satisfying act if not physically (or emotionally for me) satisfying…but it has not been.

    you are very hung up on physical purity. don’t be.

    if you do find a woman who has waited, the best part of my wedding night, for me, was him being grossed out by my bleeding on him (pop the cherry? i must have had at least a tomato to pop) but him just ignoring his grossed-outness and us washing my virginal blood from each other. that was the real bonding experience…not the abysmal sex. my favorite part of our little honeymoon was eating our favorite pizza in our hotel room together.

    just giving you a heads up buddy. our story sounds fairytale-esque to people…”aww, wow, each other’s true one and only” but marriage is tough, bloody (haha), difficult, a struggle. i thought when i got married, that would be the end of my loneliness…but i’m even more lonely now…now when he has to work late into the night with his laptop in the living room and i fall asleep alone, still, even though we are now allowed to share a bedroom. it doesn’t help that i no longer have my family in the same house as me, so if he doesn’t have time to spend with me, i spend my evenings alone. i miss my late-night conversations with my family, spontaneous family gatherings in my mom’s room…i want a baby, just so i won’t be so alone. how messed up is that? we’ve been trying since september…no luck yet…one doesn’t dream of just how cruel every month’s menstruation is when one dreams of having a baby. but it is cruel, and i hate not only how disappointed i am but how disappointed he is too. but he knew, again before we were even in a relationship, that i’ve always wanted to adopt anyway…so at least there is that thought to provide comfort after every month’s disappointment. but my sister, her and her hubby saved themselves…were married 10 years ago, and have tried and tried and still no baby. and it has driven them apart.

    i’m telling you all this because i just want you to realize that even if you find your luthien…that doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely, even if she is physically pure, that doesn’t mean you’ll have a satisfying sex life…i too, try to temper my dreams with thoughts of reality…of jeans…but even so, you never can truly prepare yourself…maybe she won’t wear jeans…maybe she’ll wear sweatpants everyday of her life and you’ll wish she would wear a nice pair of jeans once in a while, but hey, at least she isn’t a nudist.

    of course, marriage has lots of lovely moments and my husband and i laugh a lot together and snuggle and go to the movies and can share an inside joke with each other from across the room with just a glance. but it is so much more than hard work. i’m only 8 months in, but i doubt it will get any easier as it goes…

    just to give you a helpful does of the everyday. 🙂 good luck, odd duck.

    Comment by d | November 28, 2012 | Reply

    • Hello D(M),

      You would know a rough estimate of my age if you searched more intently the entries of the last year, but I will hardly fault you for not being exhaustive in your reading of one individual’s blog. The answer is mid-20’s.

      And yes, I am odd. Impeccably, incurably and fluently odd. In a society burgeoning with the weight of its sins, I found no other choice. This was already a brewing subject for a future letter.

      Yet perhaps you are not unfamiliar with being an oddity. There are a few people who find sexuality quite lackluster in their lives. Whether due to previous sexual abuse, I cannot say. I know that while such individuals exist, they are not the majority. A culture as saturated and obsessed with sex as ours could hardly find the topic uninteresting or displeasing. (Though perhaps, in the perversion of their appetites, they find them unfulfilled.)

      Your candor is appreciated, though, I think, not something from which one could draw universal comparisons.

      Marriage is going to be tough, and in the absence of its benefits, there will of course be a greater and prolonged absence. I can hardly find justification in talking myself down from anticipation of those highs simply because there will be lows.

      Nor indeed can I sacrifice my hopes for someone who can meet in me the same virtues and strengths. It is a temptation, and your words themselves could become tools of the enemy to suggest putting pleasure before principle. But how could i do so and dishonor my future wife, someone else’s future wife, and my Savior? Future reward cannot be the sole impetus of good behavior, because we know not all good behaviors are instantly rewarded.

      I am grieved to hear of your troubles particularly in finding fulfillment through childbirth. If you serve the same King and Savior as I, then know that He has a plan somewhere in the agony. If not…I can only implore you to seek your own personal salvation and comfort at the foot of His throne. There is solace and service like no other.

      Regards,
      Beren

      Comment by BerenEstel | November 29, 2012 | Reply

      • Dear D,

        I am an occasional reader of this blog because I too may be described as an odd duck. I guess Beren’s words reflects the feelings of most of the other odd ducks out there. I am around his age and I too am saving myself for marriage.Your story with it’s aim of bringing a real life perspective is highly appreciated by me and I am sure other waiters outhere. I am not expecting a night of satisfaction on my honeymoon but like you,I am hoping to treasure the experience because I have waited my entire life to give myself to my husband and that in itself is pleasure for me and I hope also for him.I pray you learn to let go of your past hurts and realise He can make all things new.I am sure with time you and yours will learn how to make the experience more satisfying.I guess you have a lifetime to experience and learn together. D it will not get easier with time if you don’t see it and want it to be.You have a husband and you’re a wife now after waiting so long so give it your all and expect things to get better. With all respect,maybe God isn’t ready to give you the child because you are not ready deep down,and your reasons may not be right.Talk to your husband about your lonliness and make date nights or “we” time a must.I am sorry if I am saying too much but please,love is precious.It’s not easy,it’s a fight and job to keep it going.I am sure you are an amazing woman on your own but when you have the man that you love by your side ,both of you can only get better.Please fight for the love you have and pray for The Lord’s guidance in your marriage,trust Him. Water your own lawn and take care of it so that there wont be any temptations to look anywhere else.
        I will wait my turn to find the right guy that I can face this reality with but as I wait and battle the hardships that this world brings,I will smile because I know in my heart inspite of our future fights and conflicts,he will be worth my wait.I refuse to settle and give up as so many have.

        Believe in something and then fight for it.
        N

        Comment by N | November 29, 2012


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