Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Back to a Reason

“Got to get back to a reason 
Got to get back to a reason I once knew;
And this late in the seasons 
One by one distractions fade from view 
The only reason I have left is you.”

Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Dear Darling,

Why is it that I always want to start by talking about the weather? Is it because after all these years of writing to you, I still don’t know you well enough to know how to begin? Maybe it’s because I want to set the scene for you, to help you imagine yourself here. No matter. What’s to be said about it? Disappointingly warm, not a hint of snow.

The madness of study is at its end. For now. I’ve crossed the finish line, or at least the first checkpoint. Four more to go, but the next leg of the race doesn’t begin for another month.

There’s a kind of shock about the whole thing; a breathless, stunned, surreal haze of triumph and success. Sometimes when you’re pressing on towards something, when the going gets rough and you tuck your head and plow through, you forget there’s a finish line. Mired in the struggle, pressing like mad with one objective you forget there’s reward, that it will pay off and that there’s more to life than just struggle and hardship.

When you finally get there, you feel a sudden and almost unfamiliar relief from the strain and stress. You feel lost and found all at once. You’re relieved, but so accustomed to the routine that you are conditioned to it.

I’ve got to keep my eye on that finish line.

If you lose sight of that, you lose sight of the whole objective. I’ve got to remember hard work pays off. There’s a reason for what I’m doing, and that reward will be worth the struggle to win it.

I’m doing more than overdramatizing a few final examinations, dear. Much of life is a test, and so far I’m still in the running.

And it is good to be done with finals for a month.

Meanwhile, life goes on. I’m visiting a friend tomorrow. I have to, she’s in the hospital. One of my rules is to visit a friend if they’re in the hospital. It doesn’t change anything that I feel towards her (anger, betrayal, desertion, etc.) but it is in obedience to my Lord. I hope it is pleasing to Him for me to obey Him even when I don’t want to.

Many children died today. It was on the news. I’m not a parent, so it doesn’t strike so near a chord in my heart, but as I see others traumatized by the event and responding with visceral emotion, I am reminded again that my shoulders are broad to contend with events like this, and to be strong in tragedy to better support you, or others who are weak.

And tonight as I lay down my head in peace, free of the worry about tomorrow’s demands, my thoughts turn again to you and the things we’ll do together. Last night there was a meteor shower. That, and music and midnight movie premieres and ice skating in the park are all things I want to do with you. Oh, and gift-giving. I’m helping my parents shop for my siblings. I’m rather proud I came up with some grand gift ideas this year. I’d have a gift for you too if you were here. I actually am invited to two whole parties this year. (I’m starting to wonder if they’ve got the right Beren!) It would be such fun to bring you along…

But most of all, after the day is done, after showers and dinner (and desert) I can’t wait to lay on our backs in the dark, forgetting about the world and just talking together.

Love always,

~”I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8;18~

December 15, 2012 - Posted by | Anticipation, Loneliness


  1. […] My visit with my friend yesterday went fine. We had a surprisingly frank conversation, but only about her […]

    Pingback by Lost Childhood and Other Musings « Letters to Luthien | December 17, 2012 | Reply

  2. […] written about finish lines before (here, here and here) but it’s the same lesson realized again every year…once you approach or cross that […]

    Pingback by Sunsets and Finish Lines « Letters to Luthien | May 7, 2014 | Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: