Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Two Weeks Later

Solitude

“Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance,
For a break that would make it okay.
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough,
And it’s hard, at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I’ll find some peace tonight.”

Dear Darling,

I may be writing less frequently the next few months. I don’t yet know if this is good news for you or bad.

I know that tonight I’m missing you again. I miss you every day, but some days are worse than others. I’ve plunged back into my studies, into work, into my double life. And somehow, I find my light dimmed a little tonight. It is but a temporary depletion, but I’ve shone a little too much. I want to step back for a while and be calm and quiet and at peace. I don’t want the burden of importance or responsibility. I want you. I want us to be boring together, to relax and be at peace and let the rest of the world go by. I want to find hidden meadows or solitary streams, a modern and beautiful log cabin high up on a mountain. I want our island. I want time just to be alone, you and I. To come down off this frantic restlessness in my mind. I don’t want to think about debates or work.

I want to go walking along a beach at twilight and let the waves soothe the mind, to stand on the overlook and gaze at the stars. To walk slowly down a misty forest path, you with me, the dirt quietly crunching under our feet, with fireflies and moonlight to show the way. I’d like to take shelter in your arms, and comfort in your kiss. I’d like to chase down a thoughtful solitude, to let the world worry about itself for a while.

And it’s so funny, because I never choose it. I never choose to take care of myself, to relax. I need you to pull me away like that.

Tell me; do you think is it wrong to want not just to be joyful but happy? Do I ask for too much to want my breath stolen away? To feel the pull of love and desire and romance even if I must master it?  To find an equal? Would it be okay for just once in this life to find what I’m really searching for? To find someone who arrests my attention and affection, who catches me by surprise, makes me say “whoa!” Can I not just sweep you off your feet, but have you sweep me just a little bit?

“Don’t embrace more darkness than you do light,” someone wisely told me lately. But where is the light? In the Lord of Heaven, and His word of course. But were we not made to need each other too? Where are the people willing to be lights in this world — a world which condemns those who shine because we burn to the touch, we cast away darkness and blind the eyes of those accustomed to it?

I’m not sad tonight, Darling. Or if I am, only a little. I’m just pensive, missing you, and missing myself — the me I know I’ll become with you.

Goodnight and Godspeed.

Love always,
Beren

“So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn,
There’s vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting.
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don’t make no difference,
Escape one last time.
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
That brings me to my knees.”
Sarah McLachlan

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January 19, 2013 - Posted by | Loneliness

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