Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Sundry Thoughts for February

StargazingDear Darling,

I’m in another one of those moods tonight. The kind where I don’t want to be Beren the wistful and wandering knight, stargazing atop his steed. I want to dump all of the armor by a tree, relieve the steed of his harness to graze, and walk down the path in silence. Still stargazing, of course.

1) I need someone to sing Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved” to me. The dude identifies all these lonely and sad feelings and then he’s like, “but that’s okay, I love you.” Thanks Josh, but you aren’t here, and you couldn’t help me if you were.

2) Why is it always the girl I find unappealing who makes a play for me? How many men would love to brag about having to turn women down, but I truly hate it. Heck, even my sister-in-law has clearly set her cap for me, and after the animosity between families, she should totally know better. It seems like I’m attracted to the pleasant, outgoing sort…the kind who is too outgoing to have waited. But when I fancy someone, and I find out they didn’t keep the standard, it’s like rejection. Every time someone breaks that standard, it’s a microscopic rejection. If I could just stop holding that against people…if I could somehow learn to expect less, or find peace in the dashed hopes of finding the one who waited for me…life would be so much easier.

3) I don’t want to be nice anymore. I don’t want to respect the people who don’t respect me, I don’t want to overlook someone’s offenses. I don’t want to be the one who has to hold back his own anger at the hypocrisy and double-standards of people. I’m tired of being good. I’m tired of the people who tell me how cool I am, and then don’t aspire to be the same. I’m tired of meeting the women who are really neat, a few months or a few years too late. the ones who are already married, or already grown impatient and decided it was time to grow up. I’m tired of the ones who meet everything I’m looking for and yet present no chemistry. I’m tired of finding chemistry with the people who don’t look good on paper. I’m tired of getting punished for doing the right thing, of being shamed for struggling with the poor life choices of everyone else, of striving hard to obey the standards God gave us, and then having people throw stones at me for wanting to know why others can’t try a little harder. I’m hard on myself, but I don’t have a high enough opinion of myself to be “understanding” about why I could pass where others have failed.

4) At the end of every day, I just want a woman with a nice face, a warm voice and kind heart to talk to. You don’t even have to be smiling. You don’t even have to be happy! Just listen to my woes and let me listen to yours.

5) I’m usually strong, and when I’m strong, I’m invincible. There are times I’m not strong, though, and that’s when I need you.

6) There are some days — I’m talking to you as my wife, dear…between you and me — there are some days where I want to forget I possess male genitalia and a mindless, senseless urge to copulate with any warm and willing body. There are thoughts that are all too common, that invade my mind, that I do far too poor a job of taking captive for Christ, thoughts that aren’t always mine, but which dishonor you and me, and the temple of the Lord that is my body.

7) Do you ever feel like you’re still just a kid in an adult’s body, fooling everyone, ad-libbing your way through life? Or that you wish you could go back to being a kid? Or that you have an old soul, aged far beyond its years, and can’t tell anyone?

8) One day dear, you and I are going to go camping out on a mesa. There won’t be anyone around, and we can gaze at the stars — and each other — all night long.


February 9, 2013 - Posted by | Nights Like These, Sundry Thoughts

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