Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

It’s Snowing

Dear Darling,

My walks outdoors are less of late. It’s cold, and I’m so busy now. But I went out tonight. It’s snowing, and I like snow. It’s like a thousand fragments of calm floating down, and you can stand with your face upturned and let it settle on your face. A flashlight illumines the vast and silent invasion, as well as my breath. My breath escapes spiraling off into the night as if it’s glad to be free.

It’s been a long day, and even though it’s snowed since this morning, there’s none on the grass.

Life is getting even harder and more stressful right now. In some ways, more difficult than ever. I know that’s not what you want to hear, Darling; I know you want to hear that your Beren is strong and prospering. Well my dear, he’s okay, but he’s trying to tread water in a runaway flood. As always, I turn to God, trying to find the words, trying to find the balance and the calm I need inside my own head — a balance between accepting the struggles on the path appointed, and asking that God take this cup from me. It’s confusing how you do what you’re almost positive He wants you to do, and still find yourself inadequate. As I reflect, it occurs to me that failure is either to teach us to rely on God, or to tell us we’re not in His will. Since I try to give Him each one of my undertakings, certainly the major ones, I find this concept difficult. I need Him to intervene again, because I find myself wholly inadequate for the tasks I’m pursuing now. We’re told God never gives us more than we can handle. I think He does, just to remind us to lean on Him.

It’s funny how the eyes feel the lack of sleep the most. Some say eyes are the window to the soul, others say they’re the door. I think mine would speak volumes if the right person cared to look deep enough.

Every day, I’m confronted with the fact that you’re not here, and how I’m really just not okay with that. I think about how this would have been such a good night to go out on a date. I could take you to a lovely Italian restaurant, or find one on the 23rd floor of a tower in the city, with a breathtaking view of lights and cars and snow. We could be falling in love, right now. We could be walking an extra step closer, the heart strumming an extra beat faster. We could be arm and arm, telling each other’s secrets, opening into each other’s lives just a little bit more. We could both be feeling that wonderful peace and inner warmth of thinking this is finally it. We could be in a warm car while the snow blows across the road, talking about our lives, our thoughts and our dreams. You could be burying your face into the warmth of my wool coat as we hug goodnight.

We could stand on the porch, freezing yet stalling because we don’t want to say goodbye. Our conversation would be effortless even when it’s awkward. We would both know it’s awkward, but still both quite content with that, knowing neither of us wants the night to end. Maybe we’d pull in for a last hug before you release me to my car. But you wouldn’t let me go, and I don’t want you to. Maybe you’d whisper that you don’t want tonight to end.  Maybe we’d hold each other tighter, and when you lift your face, I surprise us both by kissing you. We’d both pull back smiling, needing no more words except goodnight. We’d both part company, each of us halfway over the moon, and each of us just a little bit more in love with the other.

I can see it all now, and so many wonderful things besides. It feels like they should be here, but they aren’t, and I’m finding that hard. I miss the stability that having someone else gives. I want to close my eyes and relax in your love, not needing or wanting anything else. Your love will stabilize me, just as my love will stabilize you. It will always be there, waiting, no matter what kind of day you had. Things are haywire in life and I need that stability.

I miss talking to you. There’s always something new or big happening, always a story to tell. Whether I’m seen in full color photographs of national newspapers, or eyewitness to incredible stories of patient care at the hospital, not a day goes by I don’t want to pick up the phone and tell you what I’m doing, to make you proud, and to share in the dismal and the glorious of your day.

It’s the same old story, isn’t it? Snatching different moments out of the day and pairing them with the memories I keep thinking we should be making. And I’ll keep doing it, keep scanning the horizon for you with these tired eyes, hoping you get here soon.


March 2, 2013 Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These | Leave a comment