Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Sundry Thoughts for March

My Darling,

It’s true, there are many days when darkness closes in and my strength fails me.

But then there are days when I excel and conquer and am strong. Sometimes it comes through achievement, and sometimes it comes from reaching the times of rest and respite. In my case, both. I worked over the weekend, and studied to improve on some academic challenges. I spent a short night of sleep and a long day on the hospital floor, followed by another short night of sleep and an even longer day on the floor. Over 22 hours worked in three days with a cumulative total of about ten hours of sleep. And you know what the funny thing is? I don’t even feel tired. I was coming home tonight and I thought about how I felt well enough that I might fix you dinner, or at least help with it, if you were in my life.

In the meantime, I’m writing again, preparing to travel, preparing to move, scheduling to work another 25 – 30 hours this weekend, and still finding time to work out and try to sculpt your future groom’s body a little bit so he’s easier on your eyes. It’s good to be back in a better place.

1) It was cold and it snowed again yesterday. It made me want to come home and curl up together with you again. It made me want to wrap you up like your favorite sweater, hold you close, lay your head on my chest, give you warmth and comfort.

2) There’s a girl in my class who is my age, although in some ways she seems older and in some ways younger. Sometimes we study together, and she admits freely to me and to the professor that she has no intention of pouring her entire life into the material, because her marriage comes first. I admire someone who recognizes marriage takes work, and applies herself to the labor. I know it requires effort, I just don’t yet know what that will look like. It’s like when I journeyed to the island last year to build a missions house. I didn’t know what the job required, I just knew it would be work. (And it was work!)

3) I had a thought the other day, tell me if you think this is romantic. You’ve heard of blind dates. What about a blindfolded date? What if I took you out — say, after we’re well acquainted and well-trusted with each other — and took you to a restaurant blindfolded? I’d lead you inside and you’d have to guess where we were. I’d give you a menu and you’d have to point at the option and let me decide if you’d actually like it. (Okay, maybe I’d read it to you.) Or maybe you’d give me the basic ingredients and I could pick a dish. When it comes, I’d feed you. After that, I’d take you to get ice cream and you’d choose it just by the flavor. We could go on a walk in the park with you holding my arm and walking behind me, trusting me for every step. Sound off…does that sound kind of intriguing, or kind of creepy?

4) I was working in a different and unusual unit today. My patients were good, and my colleagues and I seemed to work and gel nicely together. There were times when the conversation turned naughty and I found other tasks to occupy myself (it surprises me how frank some people can be in discussing their sex lives with coworkers!) but woman on my right (we’ll call her R) was surprised that the man on my left (we’ll call him L) wasn’t getting any sex from his wife, and for nearly a month. She felt sorry for his four-week famine, and as you know I’m not shy about standing up on principle, and told her I was preparing to inaugurate my twenty-seventh year of it. In this, and in other attitudes, R mentioned that my disposition seemed transposed with that of L; that I was calm and level-headed and seemed the one who was married and settled and even in my approach. L, married and certainly at a higher earning potential and knowledge base, had a sense of humor but was high-strung and less mellow. I found her opinion fascinating, as I do any assessment of my character and behavior, and how it is perceived or stacks up against others.

5) Here’s a little secret about me: there’s a lot of things you’ll be able to get me to do just by for looking at me and saying “do it for me?”

6) I don’t think I buy that whole “love at first sight” bit, but…I just can’t shake this feeling I’ll know you when I see you. That there will be something infinitely natural about our coming together, an effortless and easy conversation riddled with “Me too!” and “really? You? Awesome.” It will be a broadening smile, and as I find out more about you, who have already set my heart on a course to outpace its natural rhythms, I’ll quickly decide we must meet again. I will get your number, your e-mail address, your Facebook or, if the situation is right, I’ll ask you to dinner. I just think I’ll know you when I see you. That I won’t have to give up what I’ve been looking for, and will finally know what I’ve been waiting for. That you’ll just be “the real thing.” That’s probably why I still spend time scanning the faces of crowds, looking for that combination of serenity and savvy, winsomeness and wit, innocence and mischief. Oh, I don’t expect an easy search, my dear. It’s just a little thought dangling off the back of my brain.

7) She said thank you.

No one ever said thank you before, not that I can recall. I’ve poured heart and soul, time, money, sleep and stress for something I believe in. I was once on the verge of making about $50,000 a year to do what I’ve been doing now, for free. I don’t think anyone has ever said thank you. I even put all that to the side, laid it down to narrow in my concentration on academics. Yet she needed my help, even from two thousand miles away, and I lent it because I still believed in the cause. And one night, out of the blue, she called up just to say thank you.

There’s been times when she abruptly snapped out of our business conversations just to inquire after me personally, such as asking how my heart was. She’s attractive, intelligent, industrious, compassionate…and heartbreaking. Were circumstances otherwise, I probably would already have made alternate travel arrangements. And she forces me right back into the vicious mental undertow of asking how much heartache the right woman would be worth.

8) I’m torn on how I will present these to you one day, my dear. I want you to read them now. There are times when I want to use them as a lure, give them to the rare people who present with qualities I expect to find in you. I want you to have the full download on me, even at my disadvantage. I want you to know about me, and want to know about me. What better way than by reading the bleeding ink-blots of my soul transcribed here? But part of me wants you to wait, to let me win your love naturally, and then let me tip my hand to show you something even more wonderful lurks in this heart of mine.

9) I can’t wait to study you. I can’t wait to stalk your Facebook and internet history. I can’t wait to listen to your family history, memorize all the significant points of your life which would be trivia to anyone else. I can’t wait to memorize your favorite dishes, your likes and dislikes. I’m looking forward to analyzing your thoughts, dreams, emotions, body language, habits. I’m looking forward to describing some things about yourself that even you have never thought of. I’m looking forward to spending a lifetime taking graduate level courses in Luthienology, learning about you and how you change and grow and respond to me and the world around us.

This year is challenging me so far, my dear. It may be that the Lord has been merciful to us both by sparing us a relationship that would have suffered during this time, and that once I’m over the greater challenge, I will find you at the bottom of the hill. Please, please wait for me.

Yours,
Beren

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March 8, 2013 - Posted by | Sundry Thoughts

1 Comment »

  1. […] I’m reflecting on people again…on human nature. In particular, a young lady with whom I became friends, the one who said thank you, who I had great professional respect for and […]

    Pingback by Sundry Thoughts for May, Pt. 2 « Letters to Luthien | May 8, 2013 | Reply


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