Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Beyond the Sea

“Somewhere beyond the sea
She’s there watching for me
If I could fly like birds on high
Then straight to her arms I’d go sailing…”

Dear Darling,

It’s too cold on this beach; far too cold.

I was here last September and the water and air were both warm and welcoming…they gently pulled tension out of my body at a time when I greatly needed it. I need it even more this time, but all I can do is stand on the shore, warding off the chilly breeze, gazing at the plane where sky and water meet, and capturing the sunset through my camera lens.

It’s strange how fast the sun sets by the water’s edge. It’s been steady in its course all day, keeping our world warm and lit, and only now do we notice it, as it slips beyond the hemisphere’s distant rim. I’m frantically clicking away to retain these moments, probably missing the silence and significance of just sitting and watching it set. And it happens so quickly. Within seconds, it’s out of view.  The people here have the luxury of watching this same sun set every day, and as I’m down here I’m making notes for how you and I might spend time down here when the time comes.

It’s funny how your shadow often follows me that way. It’s like being haunted by a future memory, sad only because it’s not yet happy, but it’s gilded with the knowledge that one day it will be.  You’re the only person I want to tell about my day, and the person I can’t talk to. But right now I’m not entirely sad about that. I’m standing on the shore listening to the waves crash and watching the gulls soar. I think it’s too cold for that seaside wistfulness to set in. But that’s okay too. I’m just down here for a few days. When two calendar pages have been filled and the air is warmer, I’ll return and stay longer.

Overall the weather is warmer than back home. I know spring will be coming soon there too, but here I am down here with the palm trees and the beach and the waves. I get restless again. Desire increases and my body reminds me that it’s “up” for all kinds of action if my soul would only indulge. The body, a traitor with only appetite to guide it, would have me betray you Darling…and that can never be.

My host is grossly overweight for his size and age, but he’s knowledgeable about most subjects, and probably smarter than me. I’m not charmed that he’s rooming with his girlfriend, but they are both courteous in letting me stay at his family’s home and taking me around the city. As we drive down the seaside highway, he belts out every song that comes on the radio. For some reason, I hesitate to sing. I’m anything but shy, and it makes me wonder if it’s true what they say about me, that I’m too buttoned-up. When he jokes, I make sure to laugh, but his jokes don’t genuinely amuse me that much. I think maybe I am a little too tense and somber. Maybe I’ve lost that spirit of the little child that Jesus looks for in us. Which is funny, because I have no hesitations about acting like a child or getting down on a child’s level. I usually like (and get along with) people much older or much younger than I.

Anyway, self-ruminations are never far beyond you-ruminations.

I’m glad I took this trip. I needed it. It wasn’t about finding myself, or escaping. It was just a journey alone, a respite, time to be by myself and breathe. I’ve never earned anything quite so hard as this, and it’s done me good. My resting heart rate is much lower than it was.

But it’s only a halfway point, with still much to be done upon tomorrow’s return…and plenty to do between now and then!

I hope your mind and heart are at ease tonight, Darling.

Love soon,

“It’s far beyond the star
It’s near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon

We’ll meet beyond the shore
We’ll kiss just as before
Happy we’ll be, beyond the sea
And never again I’ll go sailing.”

March 15, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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