Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

I Don’t Want to Sleep

Dear Darling,

It’s late. A friend came by and we talked too late, leaving my assignments undone as I’d intended before the night’s end. I have work tomorrow, and I should sleep.

But I don’t want to sleep.

Life has changed for me today, fundamentally. It leaves me feeling a little excited, a little nervous, and as usual, lonely. It leaves me excited about the possibilities, hopeful for the future and without a doubt it brings me one step closer to you.

It also strains my time obligations, because exams, projects, assignments and quizzes are all due, and I’ve not completed them. I should be sleeping, I should have been in bed an hour ago.

But I don’t want to.

I texted one or two friends to reach out for their companionship, but they’re all unavailable.

I feel….I don’t know how I feel. Empty, but full. Tired, but wired. Important but worthless, powerful and helpless. Ahead, and behind. Big…and small. I feel on top of the world, and yet crushed beneath its weight. I feel troubled but peaceful. I feel like I have the best friends and family in the world, but I still feel alone, like a vast part of me is still unknown and untouched and poorly understood. Sometimes I think you’ll explain me better than I can, and sometimes I really look forward to that.

I miss you tonight, love. Sometimes I think all we really have to figure out is each other. If we start with us, all the rest will just be bonus. Maybe that’s all some people are meant for…relationships. To be together, to be parents and grandparents, to live quiet lives and work small jobs. “Amounting to much” is a relative term…founding a family and a line of descendants was once considered successful. Simply being a good neighbor, friend and family member was a good life.

I seem to be meant for more. Somewhere deep inside, I can feel this insatiable fire burning, urging and spurring me on. It’s not just that I want to change the world. It’s not even that I’ve already left my mark on it in some ways. It’s that I have to. It’s that I’m called to be a world-changer, that it’s a destiny and a calling, as irresistible and inevitable as the outcome. It’s that God put me here for that. It’s what I’m supposed to do. It’s what leaves me listless and searching when I’m not actively pursuing a change in the world, and what burns and fuels me as I go. It’s the touch of destiny that others who live quiet and decent lives sometimes find themselves yearning for. And for me, it’s the thing that seems often to keep me apart from you. There’s nothing wrong with a “small” life at all…and some days, I crave it. Those silly people who crave what I have don’t know they possess effortlessly the thing I crave. Even the poorest farmer of the poorest country can find someone with whom to share his poverty.

Someone to share my life, my meals, my bed and my troubles, my love and fate and destiny. Life to me would be complete after that. And maybe that’s why God doesn’t give me that peace yet. I have more running to do before then.

Or maybe we’ll meet tomorrow. You just never know.

Perhaps, then, I’d better tuck myself in so I can be my charming and courtly self if we meet.

Sleep well, love.

-Beren

March 24, 2013 - Posted by | Nights Like These

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