Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Sundry Thoughts for May

03. Cornoyer, Paul - Early Spring In Central Park (1)

“Love, love changes everything
Hands and faces, earth and sky
Love, love changes everything
How you live and how you die
Love, love can make the summer fly
Or a night seem like a lifetime
Yes love, love changes everything.”

Dear Darling,

The mists are still clearing as the sun rises on an early morning. It’s been raining, and there’s a scent on the air that is damp but clean, cool, fresh and earthy. There are birds chirruping a greeting to the cloudy sunlight. As much as I love the times of stillness and peace, I never get up early enough to enjoy them. Today, I’m just back from a night shift. I let the dogs out for a run and settle down with a bite of breakfast (yogurt, granola and eggs if you must know) to mull over my thoughts and see if I can craft any of them into something legible. I’ve been writing thoughts for the past week or two, but I’ve had little time to write them, breathlessly hastening to finish exams, brimming with handfuls of postponed ideas, half-finished thoughts and incomplete musings.

I’m facing some uncertain times again, Love. The good times and bad kind of cascade in at once, and it’s a wash; I don’t know which side comes out on top.

I’m just back from another trip. I think I need to stop traveling alone. Some people seem to have the capacity to be entirely content and sufficient in themselves when they travel, or even at home. They seem satisfied in things, and experiences and possessions. I’m not. I need people, even if they are a pain sometimes.

It’s been an intense and arduous past few weeks. And months. And the last year. Truthfully the last few years have been pretty up-and-down! But the past is all prologue, and here I am, poised on the edge of wrapping up one of my first real years of purpose, asking myself if it was all worth it, if it could be.

A more chilling April I cannot recall, and am reminded that the difference is sometimes significant between the first day of spring, and the first spring day. I expect this to be quite a summer, and I anticipate a lot of work, a lot of working out, and as I mentioned, some travel. Of course, with April and May comes the season for weddings. There are people I know getting married. One young lady with whom I even shared an outing. I’m afraid your future husband has been a participant in more funerals than I have weddings, but it’s still a curious study in distance, acceptance and wistfulness. I am once again experiencing “nonbuyers’ remorse”…the feeling you get when someone you did not want to pursue finds bliss and love elsewhere. Of course in our age, profile social sites tell all, and the happy faces, sparkling rings and heads touched together once again hold back the veil on lives of joy, freedom and excitement which continually exclude me.

As I think about these changes, and how quickly I adapt to them, I think about love’s eternal change coming ever-steadily to meet me. I’ve been so lonely all my life. I’ve spent most of it alone and away from you, and it’s still a difficult thing to picture, the ultimate turning point. A stark and splendorous bifurcation of our personal timelines, silent years broken at last, shattered into a million glittering pieces and it all becomes real. It’s a game-changer. Nothing will ever, ever be the same afterward.

How does one wait patiently for that?

But I’m still preparing for your arrival, Darling, still waiting. I’d like to think you’d be proud of me and the changes I’ve been making. I’ve been running and working out more. I’ve been listening to the Word being preached as I shower and eat. I’ve been cooking a fair amount for myself, and I usually sing a few soft songs to myself as I clean up afterward. It’s a new season for me, and overall I think you’d be pleased, even though time for writing has been scarcer.

I was confiding a few of these burdens to a friend, as she made note of her marriage and how she intentionally prioritized it and recognized the need to work at it. “I can’t wait to meet the woman God has for you,” she told me.

Being a spouse or significant other is a position. You don’t meet too many people anymore who think of it that way…who think about qualifying for the position or enhancing their resume. “He’ll want me to be able to cook, I’d better learn how!” or “She’ll want me to be a good listener, I’d better practice.” People get so wrapped up in accepting people as who they are that they don’t try anymore. They don’t evaluate themselves, try to enhance their deficiencies, learn new things, acquire new skills. They don’t view friendship or a relationship as having duties to perform, expectations to meet, focusing on someone else’s needs. They don’t know how to be unselfish. They don’t think about working at it. So wrapped up in the concept of loving someone “just the way they are” they decline opportunities to better themselves.

I’m not going to lie, Darling…I hope when I find you that you’ll be someone to make them all jealous.

Does it please you to be needed this way? Do you find joy in knowing that your husband is out here, wanting to find you and make you his own, to take care of you? Do you even grasp the concept of how much I need you or how empty and hollow it feels not to know who you are, to laud you in ignorance, for never having heard your face, seen your eyes or touched your hair? Could it possibly be that you’re out there wandering around in this dark and feeble world blissfully unaware that a love with the strength of a thousand suns burns just beyond your hemisphere?

I can’t even truly compliment you because I don’t know you. I can offer educated vagaries because I know we will each appeal to the other, but I can’t tell you how I admire your face, your eyes or how perfect your teeth are (or aren’t!). I can’t touch your shoulder or play with your hair. I can’t capture one of your heartbeats for remembrance, or give you one of mine to safeguard. That’s hard.

One more thing, Darling, and then a daytime slumber awaits. You know the National Day of Prayer was just the other day. I want you to know I prayed specifically for you. Not just my daily prayer that God would be with you, walk with you and bless you, but for your family, your friends, your hurts, your regrets. I prayed for your trials and challenges, your dreams and your desires. I prayed for your future and ours.

Much more to come my love. God bless.

-Beren

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May 7, 2013 - Posted by | Sundry Thoughts

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