Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Sundry Thoughts for May, Pt. 2

“The road goes ever on and on,
Down from the door where it began
Now far ahead the road has gone
And I must follow if I can.”

My Darling,

2am seems hardly the time or place to be walking the deserted country roads, but if you’d had eyes to see, that is where you would have found me. For tonight, sky and cloud have traded places; the stars clearly visible and a heavy fog has descended. The trees are quietly dripping, lights are muffled and sounds dimmed. It’s a glorious stillness. No one is on these roads, of course, so I pray my way out the driveway and onto the road.

Funny how you have to wait until night to decide how your day was.

1) I’m back at the old homestead tonight; the family is traveling. In a way, I don’t know what to do with myself. Once again I reach the end of a finish line and, having known nothing but running for the last ten months, I want to keep running. I feel a little lost.

2) Tonight I made a batch of oatmeal cookies to accompany the grilled chicken in my own custom honey mustard sauce, with carrots, peaches and a salad, and I thought about how you and I could have had fun this weekend, and how one day we will find fun in these moments. I try to follow a principle not to be alone behind closed doors with any woman (the better not to rely on my strength to guard against weakness) but how fun it would have been to invite you over for us to bake cookies together, and dinner, and then to watch a movie. Or when we’re married…to sit on the porch in the cool of the evening and I can read to you. I bought a book of Shakespeare’s sonnets that would be perfect for the situation. To be truthful, some of them I find difficult to interpret; I think he outsmarted himself with his fluency of language. But reading them in a poet’s voice would be romantic, don’t you think?

Or you could have joined me for the walk. I would have been honored.

3) As I reach the end of the driveway, I’m asking God what He wants me to do. This is the question I must always remember to ask, because seeking God’s will must always be my — our — first ambition. I squat down and touch the road. How funny to think that if I only knew where you were, this same road is the place where my journey to you would begin. I would banish slumber and go tonight if I could…no doubt met, at this late hour, with silence, aggression and perhaps arrest. So, I content myself to stroll slowly up and down the road.

4) I’m reflecting on people again…on human nature. In particular, a young lady with whom I became friends, the one who said thank you, who I had great professional respect for and had worked with to accomplish a mission. Indeed, the two of us strove for a cause on one side, while the Vice-President of the nation personally strove for the opposite side. I had occasion to meet her during my trip, and she treated me poorly. I would like to believe I have a measure of grace and patience for everyone, and she quickly exhausted it. Yet when I became the one to end interactions by leaving, only then did she want me to stay. I can’t understand where that came from. She is either conflicted or playing a game, and I think I inadvertently played it back and won. There are some who advise this as a way of life…not to respond to texts too quickly, not to be too available. In short, playing “hard to get.” Darling…that’s just not me. It’s dishonest. I don’t play games. If I’m by the phone and you messaged me, I’d respond. In a sense, it’s all or nothing. When we both realize we are interested in each other, or that I’m interested in you, you will know. Whether by action or word, it shouldn’t be ambiguous. And I can’t see myself withholding attention out of some misguided principle that I am dangling myself just out of your reach, the better to make you want me. I certainly hope you would place yourself above that too?

5) I’ve also recognized, with age brings another realization; in becoming the grown-up, suddenly there are people who are too young for me. It may seem a small and obvious conclusion to you, but it’s a little new to me, looking at someone and seeing them as immature, realizing the years have indeed taught their lessons and pulled you into a different stage, one which is incompatible with some less advanced.

6) I enjoyed working a night shift, and it afforded me the possibility of getting some other work done as well. It certainly plays merry havoc with your circadian rhythms, but there you have it.

7) Healing heals me. I’ve spent a lot of time with patients the last year or two. Remember how I told you it’s been my goal to be useful, the man never caught unawares, who was prepared to respond in dire situations? Healing is part of that complex. It makes me feel utilized, fulfilled and useful. It’s part of who I was meant to be. And it’s interesting to recognize that at times, giving of myself in this way seems to recharge me rather than drain me.

And tonight, as the third watch draws to a close, I find myself both recharged and drained, and just wanting you.

Love,
Beren

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May 8, 2013 - Posted by | Nights Like These, Sundry Thoughts

2 Comments »

  1. Dear Sir,
    Have you ever read a passage from a book that just summed up all of your feelings in one instant ? That perfect quote that put in words those previously indescribable emotions ? Your point seven was that for me. As someone who has volunteered for years (and continues to !) and is on track to work professionally in the healthcare field, that quote sums up exactly how I feel at the end of a shift, energized instead of exhausted, it’s incredible isn’t it ? That feeling that you’re doing what you love, what you’re meant to do, and doing some good in the process. As my final exams approach, your words have reminded me of my purpose. I’m not quite as eloquent as you so I’ll simply say this, thank you.
    Yours Faithfully,
    Amy

    Comment by Amy | May 8, 2013 | Reply

  2. […] written about finish lines before (here, here and here) but it’s the same lesson realized again every year…once you approach or […]

    Pingback by Sunsets and Finish Lines « Letters to Luthien | May 7, 2014 | Reply


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