Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Sundry Thoughts for June

24. Reynolds, Graham - Alone At LastDear Darling,

A week’s vacation goes a long way. I feel energized and motivated. I started making my summer to-do list, and it sort of turned into a bucket list. There’s no way I’ll have time to do all the things on that thing. But that’s okay, it saves some of them to do together.

I smiled at the rain as I left the church tonight I’m sure I made a strange sight tonight, walking into the restaurant alone with my computer bag in hand, choosing a table, ordering, sitting alone with a novel in front of me and a yellow legal pad on which I made my list. Some of it is about priorities. God is at the top of the list. Then work, exercise, reading, writing and a plethora of activities including learning to be a lifeguard, resuming martial arts, learning to drive stick shift, advancing my piano skills (which at the moment have dwindled to very little I’m afraid), planning a camping trip, and multiple other activities. I have three destinations remaining on my summer travel list, two celebrations to shop for, a class to schedule, and so many other things besides. I love planning all this, and the thought that I’ll actually do it, but I’m sure fatigue will find its way between the lines of the list.

It kind of already has. (Haven’t you ever felt energized and tired at the same time?) While I was gone, I was with people the whole time. As I said, the shadow of your future memory was with me, but only a shadow. But now I’m back, and you aren’t here. The lonely songs are on the radio again, and I’m starting to miss you more. It’s not a cheerless despair, it’s merely the disappointment of waking from a dream and finding it not real…and the bittersweet of knowing one day it will be. It’s laying all these plans, seeing all these possibilities written out on paper, becoming a better man, citizen and person, but realizing I can’t put your arrival on the calendar…even as I know it could come at any time.

That’s the funny thing about love right now. It’s the perfect conjugation of ignorance and knowledge. I know by proxy, by reason, by extension, by deduction and by instinct that love exists, but it doesn’t reside in my heart yet. I know it exists but I don’t feel it to exist. At times I can hear the echo where it should be; at times I feel phantom pangs as if it were once there, and has renewed its sense of absence. It’s an innate, deep-seated, visceral feeling. It doesn’t emanate from my core…it is my core. Or rather, my missing core. My cordis in absentia. The resulting loneliness, the waiting and the working and the writing all rolled together, wear on the heart just a little.

It’s okay though. It’s just the loneliness resumed, dulled by sunshine, sand and seawater. It’s no different than the other burdens of life I’m resuming. And anyway, it’s a comfort to know such a strength — and weakness — burns in me still.

I’ve made my way through two novels in the last few weeks, and have begun a third. I completed another article (interview, really), am progressing on two more, and have two more ideas on hold. I’ve noted before that I often go at a breakneck speed through life. I’ve got a lot going on, you know that. But I have to admit…I love it.

A dear friend of mine had a baby, long-anticipated. Indeed, I was among the first few taken into confidence about the newly-expected arrival. When she texted the picture, I can’t explain why but I was so proud and happy for her, with no room for envy or sadness, and my eyes got a little misty. The bark is tough, but I really am a sap underneath. Maybe that’s how it will feel to be a father one day. And isn’t it kind of exciting to know feelings exist that we haven’t felt yet, and are stronger than anything we’ve known before?

I hope you are well and strong, my dear. Remember that God is present even in times when we feel Him distant, that He has a plan that will not be undone, and that the greatest demonstration of power is surrender. I dare to hope you are using this time as I am, to better yourself and be more disciplined as a vessel for God. I hope you aren’t unhappy tonight; and when you close your eyes to dream, I hope you’ll find yourself on the sands of a gentle beach under a welcoming sun, with me standing by the ocean, waiting for you.

Until then,

June 10, 2013 - Posted by | Sundry Thoughts

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