Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

A Lonely Kiss Goodnight

07. Adolf 'Jodolfi' - A Passionate KissDear Darling,

Sixty hours takes a toll on body and mind, and an insufficient sleep schedule mingled with loneliness is an unwise concoction.

I dined at home for Father’s Day and all was well. Heading out the driveway, I paused. To the right was the swift and familiar way home. To the left, the deserted country road which took me exactly the opposite direction but would rebound to take me home. To the right was efficiency and practicality, and all good sense pointed that direction. To the left, solitude, solace, contemplation and wasted gas.

Loneliness does strange things to you — I turned left.

I rolled down the windows to smell the damp air, hear the dripping trees and see the night stars. The night was cool and every song reminded me of you. For a half-moment I considered driving all the way down to the river, but the turn had passed.

I think I just wanted something new. Once the road rounded to take me home, I turned off again and took yet another detour home. One day I will enjoy guiding you down these roads, or finding others on which to get lost.

I showered by the light of a single candle, and sat down to write a letter. But I felt listless and without inspiration. My book and even the internet, in all its entirety, felt dull. Sleep, though undesirable, felt the only remaining option.

I thought about the morning, during the shallow services of the mega-church which employs me. I felt a strange disinclination to pray this morning. A colleague was supposed to substitute for me and allow me to find some other church which lent depth to its worship and teaching, but she forgot, obligating my presence. Darling, they advertised their phone line by which you can text your prayers! Is this not merely a cheap gimmick of the 21st century seeker-friendly church which cheats the meaning of the fellowship of believers?

I found myself greeting the usual colleagues, before sequestering myself in a vacant prayer room with my phone and my book. I felt that I should take advantage of the time and spend some of it in prayer; but…I didn’t feel like it. This concerned me, as if it were a trick of the devil to draw me off from the Father. A pace and employment of this nature seems already to lend to such a conspiracy, which is why I try to spend time in His Word, and to listen to truth through solid sermons during showers or meals. Then I realized that, perhaps, setting and context had some bearing on the matter. This feels a house of fakery at times, or at least gimmickery, and with such loud performances and crowded hallways, it took away from prayer.

So tonight, upon closing the lid, I knelt to pray.

There is often a quandary set up between maintaining decorum before the Father of All, and the honesty of showing a true heart. We must become less ourselves and more the people God wants us to be, and yet surely He wants to hear us as we really are; since He sees our heart of hearts already, to pretend to be more or less is to be dishonest. But I sought to be thankful for the many blessings I have, and then admitted I felt dead and dull and uninspired tonight. I felt that even your touch and love wouldn’t cure it.

I then sought to return to what I should be, and scrolled through friends to pray for them. Of course, scrolling past the people who are married, engaged, in relationships or having babies, or one or two of my near-misses, or the ones who left the path of wisdom, served little to cheer my spirits. (As if that was the goal, but when your reservoir is this empty, what is the good of depleting it further?)

I crawled into bed and found my way to the disconsolate jazz of Chet Atkins, beginning with A Fool To Want You. A small spark lit inside my heart; the image of you leaning over to kiss me. It roared to life and flushed through my body, a craving stronger than anything I’ve felt this day. It seems, if given the choice to feel pain or feel nothing, I would choose this bittersweet pain every time, for I don’t know when I’ve been beset by so great a longing, merely for a kiss. Just a kiss! Never have I wanted something more. But we both know a kiss isn’t just a kiss, or it wouldn’t be so powerfully longed-for. Perhaps your touch would have cured these doldrums after all.

We must both bear the ongoing pain of being apart, of course, but until then my dear, light a single candle in the dark, wrap your arms around your shoulders, close your eyes, and imagine us slow-dancing to these songs, and their meanings, knowing that I Waited For You, and I am Almost BlueEvery Time We Say Goodbye.

Then imagine being put to bed with a gentle kiss, behind which smolders every pent-up ember and unseen flame of my love for you.

“Good-night, good-bye. God bless you, dear, and give you love, and joy, and cheer!”

-Beren

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June 17, 2013 - Posted by | Loneliness | , ,

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