Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Just For Tonight

Dear Darling,

Good evening. I wish I had more golden, heartfelt words of hope and promise to glide into your mind, or heaving thoughts of sadness wrung from a lonely soul, but I don’t. Tonight, I’m just me. I’m tired, having worked another long weekend, and at this point nearly ringing in at 36 hours awake, with 15 of them worked. I’ve confronted death again.

I just wanted to see you, and sigh, to say I love you and goodnight. I’ve said that before, haven’t I…just a desire to see you for one night, a glimpse through a fold of time. I think that would be cheating, since you and I have to do this the hard way. But I can wish. I can close my eyes and imagine the total surrender and relaxation of holding you in my arms. Although, I’m beginning to realize, even if you get past the walls, as well you must, the walls will still be there. Sometimes that still means the totality and purity of feeling is diminished, by virtue of inability to relax, a stress of wondering about decisions made or that need making. Vigilance is a good thing, but I begin to wonder if my guardedness has set me up for less initial bliss than I had imagined. Sometimes I even question if I truly know how to love…a disconnect between the love I know I feel, and actually releasing it to you. Perhaps I’m the heart afraid to love, fearing it’s the wrong choice. I know I need to be more loving, encouraging and uplifting, less critical, less prone to seeing the bad. Maybe I need to be okay with being loving towards people other than you. I always felt like I was holding back on almost everything until I knew it was you…but I think that’s not how it works. I think you have to grow together through those expressions of love, even the physical. (Within the bonds of purity of course.) Sometimes I think if I could just show a woman these letters, she would melt and change into the Luthien I seek. What an absurd idea.

School is back, and I’ve breezed through these first hurdles easily enough. Failure is a harsh but efficient instructor, or so you’d think from the way my classmates clamor to allay their fears by understanding why I’m back. I’m having to contend with seeing so many classmates from the last period who have moved on, especially knowing the policy changes in place this time would have meant my passage had they been in place last time.

I’ve reasonably concluded I haven’t found you yet, which is disappointing. Relationships…well, I always felt you would help make me more myself, and it often feels like I am less myself…or, less the person I liked. As I alluded to before, it’s hard to know the difference between the discomfort of stretching and growing, and becoming something you’re not. More on that later.

It seems strange to me that every person I look at who embodies traits, gifts or talents I lack makes me feel inferior. I don’t know why that is. A chronic comparer, I suppose. This person has a great memory. That person has a more complex understanding of medicine. That person plays piano ingeniously. It always makes me reflect on what I feel are my own inadequacies and shortcomings.

The noose just seems to be tightening these days. There are little annoyances and harassments, struggles that are unnecessary but which conspire to slow the journey and make it unpleasant. We all go through valleys, my dear. Perhaps the uncertainty is what makes it more difficult. I could face any valley with a destination to aim for, and a faithful woman by my side. The destination sometimes seems further away, and of course, finding you not with me, and beset by questions and uncertainties, the traveler is wearied more quickly than he ought.

But what else can your Beren do but to pursue the path on which he set out, praying to God for guidance along the way?

I have never stopped praying for you, my dear, and while flame still burns in my soul, I never will. I’m sorry I haven’t found you yet, but wish me Godspeed, as I do you, and we will find each other.


September 9, 2013 - Posted by | Loneliness, Questions

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