Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Sundry Thoughts for September

Dear Darling,

I was back at the bridge tonight.

I really wish I could find a place all my own and away from people where I can be raw and open before heaven. There’s something about civilization that closes me off.

Tonight the cicadas are humming alongside the crickets. It’s overcast and drizzling (yay!) and as I look down at the creek, I notice a number of fireflies have gathered on the moss and plants, giving the illusion that the water is sparkling.

After cleaning up the house yesterday (in fairness to me, anything contributing to disorder was 98 percent not my fault) then worked last night, and slept this morning. The family was sick (something resembling what I contracted a few weeks ago) and I staged a pizza rescue, cleaned up the kitchen and washed all the dishes. I was rewarded with dinner, a movie and canine affection, so I broke even. But, other than a few worries here and there, my mind simply isn’t engaged in the big stuff tonight. Either it’s shallow and numb, or just full and settled.

That wasn’t the case the other night. The other night I was slightly stir crazy. I occasionally have those nights, where it feels like something inside me is trapped, wanting to escape. Like that claustrophobic feeling that you have to stretch and have no room. In this particular occasion, I was just off from Monday night Bible study. A friend had come alongside and casually mentioned he and his new bride were already expecting. I was already ill-disposed towards this friend, who rejected my request that he serve as accountability partner when I was seeing the Lady Kirche. I congratulated him and then laughed at the fact that I had worked with his wife in the hospital some days after their honeymoon, and already strongly suspected the pregnancy before either of them did based on her symptoms.

Two acquaintances are pregnant and ready to give birth, and another acquaintance is posting photos and announcements of her newborn.

Something strange must have been going on roughly nine months past.

Oh of course, I should be happy for these couples! They have been blessed by God and should be celebrated. And were I more like Christ, I would gladly celebrate the milestones finally coming to fruition in his life. But instead, leaving Bible study, I avoided my friend (and further invitations to “catch up”) and quickly took to the highway. I bade the night wind to roar through the open windows and pounded a therapeutic dose of Evanescence out of the speakers on the drive home.

Quite a contrast to tonight. Tonight, the mind is subdued and doesn’t want to wrestle with the big topics.

And that’s fine. I need to stop being so self-absorbed anyway. As I walked the bridge, I made note to the Lord that I would not object in the slightest if this drizzle became a downpour, then ran down a short list of friends for whom to pray.

I need to get back on track with life. I need to remind you not just of my trials, but of the good that’s in store.

I’ll try to get back to that tomorrow.

Goodnight, my dear, I love you.

Beren

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September 21, 2013 - Posted by | Sundry Thoughts

1 Comment »

  1. […] it’s likely just a surge in testosterone, but it leaves one feeling pent-up, unsatisfied, trapped. But I can see what it might translate into one day, being channeled into a force for mutual […]

    Pingback by Sundry Thoughts for October, Part II « Letters to Luthien | October 18, 2013 | Reply


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