Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Babysitting the Beast

Dear Darling,

Do not awaken love before its time, cautioned Song of Solomon. Of course, no one really knows when the time of love is, but its definition seems self-reflexive — the time of love will be when love’s time arrives.

Well, it’s too late now. Love hasn’t arrived and the beast has. Sure, the goal was to prolong desire’s hibernation…to soothe and pacify and silence it and avoid the torture. I did a good job for the first two decades of my life. I didn’t try to awaken it.

But now it’s awake, and its hunger-pangs groan deeper than any thunder-clap. Now I’m stuck here babysitting a monster. It’s not just any dragon that a knight such as I might challenge; it’s part of me. It is the dragon within. It’s part of who I was created to be, and no matter how hard I try, denying it is denying myself. Maybe that’s what Christ meant about taking up the cross and denying one’s self. But no matter how much the church overlooks or insulates us from sex, the truth is that we were born with a sexual identity, a desire which defines us. Put simply, a part of our nature was created to have sex — to need it, desire it, crave it, pursue it. To exist as you and I do (or in the darker side of my dreams, as only I do) is to live out a paradox every day. Silencing the demand, rebuking the fire against every yearning and instinct.

Only those who hold fast to the end will be saved. And, we are what we feed. I haven’t been unfaithful to you, and partly only because I never trust myself on the matter. But this mind, this foolish, sinful clump of gray matter between my ears takes itself to places it knows it shouldn’t go, and drags me along because it knows we both like it.

I’m clinging to physical purity with a death grip, Darling, but the world in which I live feeds aught but desire. I need your prayers, and your appreciation. Darling…tell me it matters. Please, please tell me it matters. Tell me it’s important to you. Tell me you value this battle and are grateful that I’m fighting it. Tell me it makes you love me more. Flatter me with how relieved and glad it makes you. Tell me resistance has made a difference. Tell me you’re looking forward to the other side, where we can be free. Please. Without that, it’s going to be that much harder to remember what I’m fighting for, or why.


November 9, 2013 - Posted by | Purity | , , ,


  1. Sir,
    It matters. It matters so very much to ladies who wait. You are a rare man, and so much more special for that rarity. Your steadfast grip to your purity in a society that nearly condemns it is so noble and so very beautiful. You will leave her speechless with your devotion to her, I know this because I too would be struck dumb. Sir, sometimes I wonder why I’m clinging so very tightly to remain pure and chaste when so many men I know simply want girls who will easily give into their base desires ? Then I remember you. You are a very model of the kind of Christian man girls like me (and there are a few of us ! ) desire ! She will be grateful for the pains you have taken and love you all the more for them. In times of struggle remember 2 Timothy 2:22-26 : “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Follow anything that makes you want to do right. Pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.” You will reap the rewards someday as I think you already know, your “fire” entry made me blush but you are right – that night is what we wait for ! Cling to that hope.
    Keeping you in my prayers,

    Comment by Amy | November 10, 2013 | Reply

  2. “But this mind, this foolish, sinful clump of gray matter between my ears takes itself to places it knows it shouldn’t go, and drags me along because it knows we both like it.”

    It seems that truer words have never been spoken. And, unfortunately, women struggle with the same sinful desires as men do.

    Though I’m not “Darling” I am a sister in Christ, and I want to encourage you to stay steadfast in your decision to wait. Living with longing is so much easier to live with than guilt. I didn’t wait, and I absolutely DREAD the day I have to look in to my young man’s eyes and tell him that I allowed my sinful nature to win and that he’s not the only one. I’ve found forgiveness in Christ & I will resist my sin to the point of blood (Hebrews 12:4), but people aren’t as forgiving.

    Don’t be like King Solomon, King Asa & may others throughout history who have lived faithfully their whole lives, only to stray at the end. I know that the context is different, but the result is the same.

    I leave you with the words of one of my favorite preachers, Charles Wesley – “Wrestle and fight and pray.”

    Comment by An Unfinished Lady | November 19, 2013 | Reply

  3. It matters!!! And if it matters to me, a stranger, it will certainly matter to her. Keep fighting! Have faith!

    Comment by Anonymous | January 5, 2014 | Reply

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