Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

Outside Looking In

OutsideLookingIn

What is the dark; shadows around you.
Why not take heart in the new day?
Ever and always. Always and ever.
No-one can promise a dream for you,
Time gave both darkness and dreams to you.

Enya

Dear Darling,

First it snowed. Then it rained. Then the rain froze into ice. Then it rained again, then everything froze. Now it’s snowing again. But it’s the lazy snow that drifts and floats and sparkles. It’s Christmas snow. Better late than never, perhaps, but I do wish we’d gotten this at Christmas.

Do you ever feel like you’re outside looking in? And that no matter how many people join you in looking, you are no less lonely?

Do you ever feel that anyone and everyone can confide in you, and you have no one in whom to confide? I don’t say this out of grave despair…but increasing curiosity as I watch it happen.

Last night, Loswen and I struck up an online conversation wherein she confided her social anxieties, desires, struggles, motivations and a slightly-concealed crush for Alegfast which I by now had guessed. I have great respect for Loswen as I said, though we are cut from cloths too disparate to be marital content. I offered some perspective in return,and then posed to her a question or two about the Lady Kirche. To do so, I told her a few of the perplexities of the situation. She offered very, very little in return.

Monday night, I joined some friends of Miluihûn  at a buffet, where one of the ladies began confiding that she has few memories of her youth for an unknown reason. From there, she also related some of her medical problems.

Tonight I had a brief conversation with a friend of Miluihûn (a heavy-set young lady who can take a topic and launch off on it for a good ten minutes seemingly without breathing) and in gently declining an offer of hers, I noted that I had not seen my family in a month. She instantly took off on the story of her own family alienation without asking about mine.

And, for a change, I bumped into a fellow with whom I’ve had several conversations the past few weeks as we cross paths in the pool locker room. He seems to have taken a light interest in my doings, in that he remarked I seem well-educated and well-read for someone in my position. (Comparatively, he’s right.) I told him that I had chosen to pursue the field of healing because it seemed more worthwhile than the opportunities I’ve been offered before. I also shared that my pursuit is rooted in my faith and calling. He seemed thoughtful and asked if that wasn’t lonely for me. The answer was obvious, but the fact that he asked delayed my response. He seems a cynical fellow, but with some noble ambitions not typical of the world. And in a world that’s made me paranoid, I was glad to hear he seems to be seeking a female companion. Perhaps I will be able to share the gospel at some point.

I spent the better part of yesterday morning holding and feeding a newborn baby as part of a clinical rotation. I think the emotions and responses produced are too subtle and mingled even for this medium to capture adequately. I know that I feel unequal to the task at times, but I also know that many other fathers have started their parenthood with far less knowledge and experience and still turned out well. Holding a helpless baby and kissing its fragile head…well, such experiences should be conducted with great caution. And I am in wonder and awe of you as a woman for having the ability to grow and give birth to a child, and that one day you may be willing and even eager to accomplish such a thing.

Loneliness takes some strange forms these days. I think it’s because loneliness has now been introduced to its own absence — and misses it. If loneliness is a minor form of self-loathing (the preference of another’s company over one’s own…a perfectly natural human desire) then loneliness is a suicidal sentiment — that is, it’s a feeling which longs for its own demise.

Sometimes when I think about these things. I smile. I smile because it’s funny. It’s funny because it’s sad.

But then, who could be sad with such beautiful snow falling outside? I’m not sad tonight. Just incomplete.

Prayers this night and every night for your safety and blessing, my dear.

Yours,
Beren

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February 6, 2014 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment