Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

No Wind Is Favorable

Dear Darling,

Here you are, you’ve made it to the end of another weekend. As the world views it, you’ve spent two days at port and it’s time to put out to sea for another five days. I hope you were restful and productive, but more important, I hope you are caught up in something meaningful and worthwhile, sufficient that your week isn’t comprised of equal parts misery and endurance.

If I should be so fortunate as to receive your inquiries about my weekend, I had to work the megachurch again. I told them I would give them two weeks to find a replacement, feeling as I am like I am taking the devil’s paycheck to guard the church of sloven and slop. They exhibited music by Katy Perry, clips by Ellen Degeneres, and are inviting the audience to vote on the next best sermon. (There’s already a suspicious tally of votes cast for a concept so newly-unveiled.) God’s Word isn’t meant to be picked through like a child’s repast; it was meant to be a progressive meal, advancing through both the difficult and the easy parts, lest we conveniently avoid the difficult teachings.

Otherwise, much of it was spent on school projects, with some time spent visiting my family (at last). There are echoes of how things used to be, but bittersweet, because I know now I can’t seek refuge there anymore to flee my troubles. They have troubles enough all their own. It’s not a place of stability to which one can retreat.

We had more surprise snow last night. Most of the city is ready for spring, but of course it made me happy. I like the ground reflecting starlight, and the clouds reflecting the lights of the city. I like houses framed in frost, hooded in white with golden light wreathing the windows from within. Snow seems to be God freshening the canvas for us, if only for a little while. There’s something magical in it. Now they say warmth is coming. Nothing lasts forever.

I decided to visit the book shop tonight to see what specials could be had, or what treasuries of poetry could be found. I can never enter that shop but that I exit with several volumes. The problem was solved because they were closed upon arrival. And who should I spy discovering this fact at the same time but Loswen, her unmistakable silhouette visible in her unmistakable car. We’d never be lovers, Loswen and I. But I text her to editorialize the irony of mutual disappointment, and then later send her a message to tell her I can see she is having mild identity issues and to encourage her. Because of course, I can perceive the things in people that others don’t. (And when I say don’t, I mean won’t. Because after all, once you know about the problem, you can’t ignore it or not be accountable for not being part of the solution.) She was surprised, and then solicited specific prayer on the matter. Sometimes it’s like having emotional x-ray vision.

This apartment is quite nice, as is the price and arrangement. But compared to Alegfast, the extra pricing and distance made it worthwhile. This man, whom I shall call Araquilde, is deathly silent, introverted and unsociable. Moreover, his daughters came to visit — silly, giggling girls still amused by their own adolescence — and left personal hygiene refuse in my washroom.

I did something very silly on Valentine’s Day, my dear. I have a large black book bag that I carry with me nearly always. It contains weeks of papers, post-its, pencils and pens, as well as markers, highlighters, mints, lights, food bars, cords, a knife, pepper spray, a stethoscope and much more. I put it in the back seat instead of the passenger seat. You know, in case I met you. Such foolish things we do when we’re alone and lonely; such foolish hopes we cling to.

I read this quote recently: “It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way I can’t stop. Sadness is familiar. It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me. But everything else about it is hard. The way my body aches with self-hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have. Yet it’s addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well. And there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There’s just a sense that this is where I belong. This is how it’s supposed to be.” (Marianna Paige)

I know I’ve wondered this before my dear, but maybe all these letters are in vain. We do have to allow for the possibility, don’t we? Maybe there is no high and lofty calling. I’m approaching my thirtieth trip around the sun. I’m too old to find young love, but too young to settle for old love. You know this; I’m older than my years. 

Maybe there is no reward for virtue. Maybe if we actually find each other, our existence would be its own poetry, without all these frills and flames and rose petals — a fair lot of nonsense fueled by fantasy and flowery-tongued poets. As I look back over the last couple of years, there’s so much I’ve done and so many things I’d do differently. I’m sorry I’m not ready in time, Darling. I’m sorry I haven’t found you and swept you off your feet. I thought business and law were my calling, that there was goodness and purpose to be found. I thought that being right, that behaving and living by God’s principles would pay off. I thought being tall and caring and intelligent and listening would be enough. I didn’t expect to miss you this much, and I didn’t think it would take this long to find you. My strength isn’t fading, my dear. I can and probably will keep holding on simply because I’m stubborn that way. But as the church emphasizes grace over obedience, repentance over loyalty, and as even the Savior himself promises the worker hired to work through the heat of the day will receive the same wages as the roustabout who comes on board for an hour’s labors, I increasingly question the purpose of clinging so carefully to hypertraditionalism.

Sometimes I’d like to break this silver armor of mine. I already wrap it round to conceal it, because people hate its shine, just as a woman may dislike another for being attractive.  Sometimes in days of uncertainty, we look for surety in the strangest ways. If insecure, we seek control if even through throwing away the things that made us secure. Sometimes I’d like to be more at ease with life and its vices; drink too much and become both the triumph and pity of the culture. “See Beren, laid as low as we! He drinks to forget. He’s no better than any other, he’s just like us.” With derision they’d say I’d fallen, and yet, it would relieve them of the uncomfortable knowledge that someone could both preach and uphold such a standard.

But I don’t. I won’t. I know now there’s little reward here on earth for those who wrestle with their attempts to be good. Women don’t find it appealing, men find it annoying and neither wants to afford the sacrifices it demands. The world doesn’t love it, the church finds no incentive to reward it, and even the Almighty seems not to reward good behavior like we were taught.

Don’t be discouraged by these thoughts, Darling. On nights like these, as we each trim our sails and prepare for another excursion across choppy seas, the darkness presses close, wringing only the saddest of thoughts onto the page.

Goodnight, my dear. I love you.

February 17, 2014 Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment