Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

When I Don’t Have All The Answers

The_Thinker

“Sometimes we stumble, sometimes we even fall
And we can’t find a friend, can’t comprehend it all
And we are lost, with nothing to hold on to
When we can’t find the answer…sometimes a Prayer will do.”
Secret Garden

Dear Darling,

Wow. When life catches up with you, it really catches up with you.

It’s been a difficult couple of weeks, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of reevaluation.  sudden and maddening rubric of decisions came on me, a challenge to most of what I’ve been shooting for in life.

First, I slammed headlong into some personnel challenges with my political work, causing me to lay down the banners I’ve been carrying successfully and rather publicly for the last five years and step back to reevaluate.

Then my plans for moving fell through due to nothing more than a Still Small Voice whispering “not yet.”

Then another small voice rose up in my mind and asked me if being a nurse wasn’t too low of a goal for me, if I shouldn’t let go of an almost-sure thing to reach for a very uncertain but great thing like medical school.

At the same time, some family ghosts rose up from the past (and a few birthed from the present) to haunt the domestic side of life.

And then there have been a few sort-of potential relationships on the radar, including one or two that should really excite me but don’t, causing me to want to grab my heart and shake it, demanding “feel, you rebellious blighter; feeeeel!” But it doesn’t. It’s duecedly uncooperative, the heart. Desperately wicked; a warm, red, treasonous rebel.

I usually have answers. I’m good at watching, planning, managing, deciding, guarding, protecting, leading. Managing a family is work, and I’m a hard worker. I’m used to doing life’s homework and having the answers. (If only my academic grades were as competent.)

But the fact is, sometimes I don’t have the answers. That’s hard.

For whatever reasons, God tests me with uncertainty. He throws a few curveballs my way, and with oh such divine deftness. Maybe He’s teaching me more to trust. Having a purpose is vital in life, so questioning that purpose makes me rely on Him, not me.

It’s never easy not having answers. But when it all cascades down at once, it’s even harder.

If it’s just a test, I can/could content myself to fret and wait on God. But what if it’s me? What if I’m not a strong enough Christian to decipher God’s will? What if I need to change, what if I made a mistake unknowingly? For me, following God’s will doesn’t seem to prove too challenging…it’s knowing it that’s the problem.

So what do I do in these situations? I reach out for friends. I listen, and ask. I run things by them, bounce ideas off them. I should reach out for God, and I do. But even Christ needed friends, and like his, sometimes it seems there really are no friends that I have who understand or are here for me. Here again I miss your absence. I need an attaboy. I need arms to hold me, someone to say “no, I can tell you’re not okay, don’t lie to me. What’s wrong?” Someone to give me that “there there”, it’ll be okay, to remind me who I am rather than what I’m not. To say “I don’t have the answers either, but I have faith that we’ll find out. So do you. Trust God to work it out, and hang in there. I’m here for you.” To offer thoughts, hope, comfort, even trust of what decisions I’ll make.

Sometimes I wonder, what reason is good enough for the Lord to send me you? The one who inspires me? Where are you, what’s taking you so long, what do I have to do to earn it? As I continue to fail in my search for you, I wonder if my standards are too high, if my feelings are insatiable, or my expectations unreasonable. I worry I won’t end up with the person I wanted, or the life I wanted. I worry I won’t be happy. Is it wrong to want not just to be joyful but happy? Do I ask for too much to want my breath stolen away? To find an equal? Would it be okay for just once in this life to find what I’m really searching for? To find someone who arrests my attention, catches me by surprise, makes me say “whoa”? Can I not just sweep you off your feet, but have you sweep me just a little bit?

Where are the sages? Where are the wise and seasoned men and women, who identify and understand, who come along with their wisdom to uplift and strengthen, who will listen, who you can go to for answers or advice? I can’t find them anymore. At roughly 27 years of age, I’m the sage people look to…and ignore. Someone recently told me, with regards to my fights for what is right, “don’t embrace more darkness than you do light.” It was a good thought. But where is the light? Where are the people willing to be lights in this world — steeped in darkness, condemning brightness for burning the touch, banishing darkness and blinding the eyes.

Do you know what it is not to have the answers? To be confronted continuously by shortcomings…or incompatibilities with the shortcomings of others?

All in all, it has made for a very tumultuous several weeks. I don’t know if the decisions were to be left in my care, or if the results rested in my actions, or inactions. Do you believe the devil orchestrates attacks against the Lord’s own? Sometimes it’s direct and targeted; other times, I think it’s just malicious, meddling attacks to frustrate and throw us off of our game. The last several weeks seem to be the latter.

Yet for all of the tumult, I have the Still Small Voice of guidance, and the surety that God is in control. There are promises and truths to fall back on.

One of them is God’s purpose. God’s purpose is for me to give. To write, educate, inspire, motivate. He has goals for me, and they won’t be denied. In fact, I was lately struck by that fact when the young lady who had previously rejected me for reasons I misunderstood was brought back into my life, briefly, giving resolution to that momentary confusion. Our dinner gave me something to look forward to, an understanding of who someone else was, and a resolution to that unknown. I don’t recall asking the Lord to show me why, but He did. He orchestrated that for a reason.

The other is His plan. None of us are big enough to arrest His plan. So…although confusing, frustrating and bewildering, I suppose the lesson is that we don’t need to have all the answers?

So no…I don’t need to have the answers. But I do need you.

Yours,
Beren

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February 10, 2013 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment