Letters to Luthien

Letters to My Future Bride

New Year’s Snow

Dear Darling,

Finally, it’s snowed again. The cars are all frosted over and the driveway would probably be slick to get up if the truck wasn’t already parked there. I worked last night, and found the snow upon awakening this afternoon. It’s bitterly cold, and the light casts cross-hatched quilts of light on the snow outside. The street light’s amber glow is far from romantic, but it does afford a view of both night and white as they swirl and drift and coat the streets and rooftops.

We watched another patient depart behind the great veil last night…whither to heaven or hell, I know not. They don’t usually let people in my position start IVs, but if the nurse is willing, it’s been known to happen. In my case, I started one because the ICU nurse couldn’t. It was a grim night, but I would rather face a grim night with someone than a happy night alone.

When I awoke, I cleaned the whole house. Alegfast was returning with his father and mother, and I knew anyone appreciated a clean, fragrant and inviting house. I sometimes enjoy cleaning for its own value, and it will have to suffice until some night when you are out late and return through a snowy night to find a fire burning, the dishes gleaming and your husband at the piano as I was tonight. (Would you like to hear the song I was playing tonight?)

And all the way, thoughts were ricocheting inside my head.

Misery is comfortable.

Happiness takes work.

No one should be alone at a time like this.

People don’t want you to be smarter than they.

You have to take most people on their terms, not yours.

People who are young, weak or helpless often seem drawn to me.

I can’t wait to have someone who would take time to clean a house and make it inviting just for me.

I’m going through a rocky time in my relationship with my family. I think there are times where human beings owe it to each other not to be alone, such as break-ups, losses, sickness or sadness. This is one of them. That’s why it’s ironic to talk with a friend or two, and find them having very little if anything to offer, even when I was there for them. My drive to “be there” for people will always be there regardless of their ability to return the favor, but sometimes the one-sidedness frustrates. Anyway, Alegfast was kind enough to ask, and after a long trip too.

Do you think you can help me deal with problems like this? Can you teach me to love them and respond in grace, even when the situation is impossible? Can you find for me the line between responding with grace and rewarding behaviors that shouldn’t be rewarded? Will you let me hate on them for a few frustrated minutes without hating them yourself? Can you help me to respond God’s way? You see, through it all, I love my family. I want you to love them to. But you will also be that sacred repository of confidential frustrations, the person who will hear the bad along with the good. I hope I can share those things with you and not fear that you will dislike my parents, or think I can’t get along with them.

I want to be most totally and truly myself in your company…and to make you comfortable and confident to be yourself in mine. I want us to share our glories and gripes freely, without fear of seeming proud or selfish or unkind…or if we are, then to have freedom and safety to show even those parts of us which are unkind and selfish and proud, knowing that we are more than the sum of those vices.

Sometimes, I think if you are as willing to make a relationship work as am I, success is just a matter of finding each other.

I leave you with a quote from Napoleon, to his wife, at a time when he was emperor and controlled almost all of Europe: “Without his Josephine, without the assurance of her love, what is left him upon earth? What can he do?”

Pray for me, beloved Luthien.


January 3, 2014 Posted by | Loneliness, Nights Like These | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment